Utter Joy & Angst

I wish I were a better writer or that I at least had the time to craft beautiful & thoughtful blog posts, but this one will have to do. I just need to get it written down or else it will never be recorded for future reference (the journaling function of this job is pretty important to me).

For the first and, potentially, the last time in my life* I am teaching a class on the general subject I specialized on. An upper level class, in my native language, with really interested students who are there because they want and chose to (this, believe me, is HUGE!). A heterogeneous group to be sure (in terms of language ability/proficiency), but highly motivated and open to learn.

This, my friends, is mind-blowing, ground-breaking stuff for me. I cannot get over how great this is or... (remember *) has the potential to be! it's literally a dream come true. Of course that comes with a bit of weight on my shoulders, I don't want to mess it up, but I surely think that it's hard to go wrong with a great group of students like that. In any case, wish me luck, I'll keep you posted!

The caveat? Once they hire someone at the end of this semester, this and other upper level classes potentially offered by the department will be taught by the tenure track person, not me. It's the issue I was struggling with when I wrote this other angsty post. There is a very clear hierarchy at most (not all, thankfully!) universities. Graduate students teach the lowest level classes, lecturers teach mid-level classes and professors teach upper level and graduate courses.** That's the way it is.

I haven't been called for an interview & I know that campus interviews will be scheduled soon (I know that they will probably try to avoid awkward situations with me, so I don't know how they will be announcing those to the faculty, I will just try to hide as much as I can when those interviews take place). I'm just praying and hoping that the person they hire is older and much more experienced than I am. Or else I will just feel pretty awful. In the end, I just hope it's a nice person because technically he or she will "supervise" my work and directly benefit from it teaching the upper level type of class that I am teaching this semester... (and I also HOPE that they hire a person from my country too, because they might not!).

I have a feeling it will all be all right in the end. Maybe they'll hire my friend? She's a bit younger than me, but she's my friend & I'm sure we'd enjoy working together (I'm just assuming she has applied, I should email her). Nah... maybe not, we come from the same institution and the place where I work now mostly wants people from really prestigious schools. BLAH.

yeah, that title doesn't even make sense with a snarky/whiny ending like this. I need rebelliousness and snarkiness to try to bring some lighthearted humor into the situation or else it'll be bleak for me ( because of *). In the end I think it's pretty accurate, though. The title, that is. That's who I am, alternately joyful and angsty. Hopeful and frustrated. Elated and despairing. All at once.

I hope you don't mid! ;-)

* I know, I should try to be the "positive," "cup half full" kind of person my husband wishes I could be, but I'm just the old "realistic pessimist" (or the other way around) me. I cannot be someone else. I need to prepare for the worst so I can live with whatever comes my way.

**and here one could go on and on about how this system is perfect to create tons of highly qualified, but basically unemployable phd recipients that will go on to be adjuncts, but this is not the subject of this post.