yesterday i had a few acquaintances/friends who are perceptive and nice people who care about me ask if things were all right with me and I said they were, that I was just tired (true, but not exactly the problem). Outwardly things are OK, but when I'm just quiet, left to my own devices, even when in public, what's inside shows on my face. I'm one of those "open book" overly authentic people.
(I value that in me, though, and I strive to always be true to my feelings, which makes for a very rude person sometimes. Outward politeness and being an [often "fake"], cheerful, nice, agreeable person [like most people!] are just not my forte -- I'm extremely cheerful when I feel cheerful and also when I'm with people I care about [e.g. yesterday I spent time talking with friends & I wasn't grumpy, it was a good distraction from what I'd been thinking]. The thing is, if I feel something, it shows right away on my face and I have to force myself to be a friendly and slightly happy person because people in general always like to see smiles in other people's faces. Ha ha. Smirk.)
the hard cold truth is, I don't have what it takes* and I know it. I've been struggling with this for the past month and a half, ever since I saw the job ad for the position I need to apply for because if I don't I'll know regret it for the rest of my life and it's just plain STUPID not to apply I just HAVE to do it, but time is running out and my husband is really really angry with me that I'm not working on it [I didn't even tell him that I was writing a blog post right now because I desperately need to process these things].
but in order to submit a good application (and I know that I can look good on paper and write strong cover letters from some of the feedback I've gotten in the past with some applications I sent) I need to be confident and FULLY convey that I DO HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. And that, to me, is really, really had. It's like having to smile and be cheerful when I don't have it in me.
There are moments I believe in myself and my brilliance and my great potential as a scholar, but those have been few and far between lately.
When I went to the conference two weeks ago I was just SOOOO pumped up! I had several ideas for academic papers, but I didn't even sit dow & slowed down (I'm ADHD, remember?) to write them down.
(oh, yeah, and that whole ADHD thing, I haven't yet found a mental health care professional to see and get a diagnosis and help. I keep procrastinating that, obviously, ha ha, how incredibly ironic and sad. No, just ironic, sarcastic, really. I mean, hahaha... :( )
In any case. I'm writing this (on top of that! Just what I need right now as I have to write a convincing account about myself! Negative and truthful evaluations, how lovely!) to see if I can just get this out of the way onto virtually printed words, so I can move on and write the damn letter and revise my cv already. So I can send them to my referees so they can write and mail their letters.
Have I told you -- another ridiculous twist of destiny and "Murphy's Law" -- that the laptop in which I had a recently translated article I was submitting for publication, all my recent CVs and cover letters DIED on us and I cannot access those files?
I have this ridiculous needs to access recent documents before I can move on and write fresh new ones and I feel "blocked" to continue if I can't do so. I know... just more excuses.
Valid excuse? I'm OVERWHELMED and in despair too because we need to get our house appraised in the next few days so the refinancing can go forward. BUT the house needs to be perfectly clean and sparkling. My poor husband K has been working alone like a crazy man to get this done. Mostly because he knows that I CANNOT organize and clean things without getting distracted, but also because he WANTS me to produce these application materials already.
He has every right to be upset at me, and I, lame person full of tons of negative baggage and angst, simply can't go on and do what I need to do. But I MUST. So I'm writing here. as a last resort to see if I can get my creative juices flowing, some of my inexistent confidence back.
I could just sit and cry, but tears won't come. Mine is a quiet, hopeless despair.
and now I will try to despair my way into a good, winning cover letter. Wish me luck. Write me a quick comment if you can. I need to be cheered on. yeah, I'm that lame. please help. I promise to be good. for my sake, my poor hard working husband and for yours too. Thanks for listening.
* to successfully apply for a T-T job. And, maybe to keep one [I think that if I were, as a freak event of destiny, offered this job, maybe I could do OK, but I'm not so sure].
Virtual hugs in a non-creepy way from an internet stranger, first. Been in very similar situations, and have a lot of empathy for how hard it can be.
ReplyDeleteMy advice though would be to sit down and write a BAD application. Seriously. Get SOMETHING written - if the block is that you can't write about how great you, write about how you aren't, about how the things you've done aren't enough. Once you have something written, pretend it's something you're editing for a favourite friend, or that you produced it for a student exercise and now need to produce its opposite.
And you know what? You'll probably find that just writing out the things you've done that aren't sufficient, will start to help you feel that just maybe they ARE.
What JaneB said---do a crummy draft, then congratulate yourself for having done it in spite of feeling rotten, and then edit it. Self-medicate with chocolate, favorite music, or whatever helps you keep going. See if you can compartmentalize a little: just while you work on the letter, you don't have to think about your husband, or the house; you can deal with those things later. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLilian! Prayers for you, meu amiga! I was just considering how overworked and overscheduled I feel... and with all that comes inadequacy and a sense of being somewhat lost and overwhelmed. This weekend didn't help! I wish there would've been more time...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you can do it. And you know what, even if you don't, you'll be ok. Cuz you're loved. No matter what. By lots of people. Thinking of you and urging on a wave of efficiency that'll help you get it all done!
Your house does NOT have to be pristine or even clean for the appraisers. They will spend about 15-20 minutes there, and they are looking for whether anything structural is falling apart, and whether the kitchen and bathrooms have been renovated.
ReplyDelete