... I can't have what I (belatedly realized I) want without having done what I should have done to get it.
(this is an answer to Anjali's comment: "Figure out what you want, first. But don't beat yourself up for what you didn't do in the past." Thanks my friend! )
Don't worry about me, I'm fine, I just have to process everything and it takes time and it's really complicated. As far as regret goes, I think I may be the least regretful person in the planet regarding my choices in the past, particularly in what I decided to study.
So in the end the problem is just that I can't foresee the future, but I am confident that things will probably turn out just fine. Time is the best solution for everything in life.
Thanks for bearing with me. I know I must sound horribly whiny when I am in fact quite happy with my life.
P.S. and you are perfecctly right, Anjali, I need to figure out what I want and I don't know exactly what it is. I never thought I would primarily be teaching language and I am enjoying it. I don't mind doing that indefinitely as long as I can pursue other more fulfilling subjects on the side.
So... I just want to come out and say that I don't think that you're whiny.
ReplyDeleteYou've made some side remarks on this post and others that you feel like you're whining, your spouse doesn't want to listen to your thoughts about this stuff because it's like whining, etc.
I think it's perfectly normal and healthy to process your feelings about a situation through writing and talking. Whining is different. Whining is like continually going on and on non-stop and not seeing anything positive in the situation at all. I don't think you're doing that.
I think your situation sounds difficult. It must be tough doing work at a department for them and even when they have you, they are actively seeking for someone else to do it. I'm sorry.
Also, I wanted to put this here, but this is about an earlier post -- I agree that there should be more types of positions -- kind of like that full time instructor position that I described in my department. We hire people full time to teach four courses each semester (twice / sometimes more than twice what I teach), give them an office, a good salary (like entry level assistant prof), benefits, just like any other full time faculty. We need the teaching covered and we need it done well. Quality teaching should be worth investing in. The problem is that we can only have people in positions like this for up to three years. Then we have to hire someone else... and our new Dean thinks these positions are too expensive...
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can find something that is both personally and professionally fulfilling for you.