The Decision-Making Challenged Professor

I'm not really absent minded, just hyperactive, distracted and overwhelmed and, to be frank, I feel a bit of an imposter calling myself a "professor" (it's that whole depressing issue of being contingent labor, yada, yada, yada).

In any case, I've always had a horrible, really awful time making decisions. I HATE that about me, but I just can't be someone else, you know? The sad part is that my oldest son seems to have inherited this unfortunate trait. :(

When the decision in question is/was just an inconsequential one, like deciding with shoes to buy or which entrée to order at restaurant, it can be annoying (to me and anyone with me) to waste so  much time trying to decide, but when it's a more serious decision -- such as, which books to teach in the Fall -- it can have some serious consequences.

You see, I decided to propose a new class for the Fall and my department graciously let me teach it (I think any department is happy to offer more general education classes, no?). I even participated of a workshop on syllabus writing, back in June, but since then, I've been frantically trying to decide which books to teach.

On Monday I went to the university to check out two more books from the library (and I obviously got 6) and to make some copies of texts I have already decided (gasp!) to teach. I took this opportunity to talk to the secretary who is in charge of book orders (I had been meaning to email her for ages, of course, but was waiting until I could make a decision). That conversation didn't go very well, initially, because she told me that the deadline had passed (in May!) and then she had to comment that the people at the bookstore would hyperventilate when she sent them a book order this late. (nice!) I explained the situation to her (brand new class, no way to have decided back in May -- of course there was the whole month of June, but... well... what is a month, wait, nearly TWO months by now! ;) and she calmed down.

When I talked to her on Monday, I said that the students wouldn't need the books I'd be requesting until the 3rd of 4th week of classes (this calmed both of us down and it was true at the time). However, when I finally made the decision yesterday, I realized that I will actually need one of the books from the beginning.

One last unfortunate thing. I emailed her at noon yesterday and felt very relieved and happy. I also emailed the registered students. Today I went to the university to work for a few hours at K's office (with the boys -- very hard to work), but then, the internet was DOWN and I couldn't check my email. I also forgot to do it at home while we were getting ready to drive to PA -- this was fortunate because I would have been very upset during the whole drive. I finally opened my email tonight and... guess what? The secretary had emailed to say that she needed the publishers (I'd given her titles, authors and ISBN numbers) before she could send the order to the bookstore. And... she also said that she was taking the day off on Friday!! That means that the order will be sent out only on  Monday.

I feel truly awful about this. :(  I know it'll be OK in the end -- I will already plan the syllabus not trying to rely on the book I need for the first two weeks -- but still, I hate to make blunders like this one... It makes me feel even more imposter syndrome. I've PROMISED to myself that by October 1st I'll have my book order for the Spring ready to go! (I want to teach yet another class in the Spring. My husband thinks I should teach the same one, but I want to spread my wings and do something more literary for a change ;). It will be easier too, I think. 

Well, if you've read this far, thanks for your patience. Oh, and, of course, I have another awful problem, in addition to the difficulty in making decisions: I'm the world's biggest procrastinator. :(  I even procrastinate writing blog posts. It can't get worse than that, can it?

Edited to Add: and of course instead of finishing up my syllabus, now that I've FINALLY decided about the books, I'm here writing this post! Shame on me!

P.S. last week I read the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother book and I'd love to blog about it. If only I could find the time!  I liked it and was surprised by a few things. The way she writes about her career is bizarre, I mean... is it really like that in law? If it is, I don't think it's a field that can be taken that. (I'm talking about how apparently easy it was for her to get her jobs at Duke and then Yale).