Lost in the World, in Life, Looking for I Don't Know What

Actually, I think I what I want to know is the answer to a few "simple" questions...

Who am I?

What do I want to do with my life?

Where do I want to live? Why?

What is important to me? Why?

Yeah, really simple, like that :-(. Nothing too philosophical, right? Thoughts that cannot leave me alone for even a minute since the life changing possibility entered our lives a few days ago. My every waking moment is spent living under the shadow of "staying or going back," and the disquieting questions above. It's also really eerie how everything I do feels like "the last time" for some reason. As if the mere idea of leaving meant a sudden and definitive departure.

My husband just sent me the link to this brief talk by Dallas Willard (who is an academic, a philosopher and one of the leading thinkers on Christianity nowadays, his books have influenced my husband very deeply in the past few years -- the title of the talk, if you're curious and don't want to click over there, is "My Journey To and Beyond Tenure in a Secular University") and, for some reason (again, sorry for being so repetitive today), I cried from beginning to end reading it. Big tears that rolled down my face non stop even for a few minutes after I finished reading... and that are now dry, making the skin feel kind of rough and stretched. I wanted to write him an email, but I can't. I know that as a well known scholar and published author he's overwhelmed with people contacting him and trying to interact with him, so, what could I do? Sure enough, you guessed it, I'd go write a blog post! One that probably no one in the www (whole wide world/ world wide web/ why? who? where?/ what? when? whatever...) will ever read. It still helps to write it.

I guess I started to cry when Dr. Willard said, "I became convinced that I really was a hazard to the people who had to listen to me." (I feel the same way, and K does too, when I try to talk about religion with anyone I know from the same religious conviction as mine). Then, when he described what being a scholar meant to him in the context of his life as a truly religious person, I just continued to be moved beyond what my words can express. I think I could be a scholar in the way that he describes -- not looking for anything, for recognition, promotions, not even looking for jobs (BTW, the waterworks have started again... and now my throat hurts) -- just trying to bring a significant contribution to my field. Yeah... that is something that I do care about. I really do. And the recognition that in the end nobody reads academic writing anyway, but that it doesn't matter, it can still be relevant to the field.

And that... (I cannot go back to the essay, without crying buckets, now that my tears have stopped again) led me somehow to the questions above.

Why do I feel I have problems to go back? I think I've grown more and more comfortable in my skin, in my life, particularly the life of the mind (the most important one for me) because of this blog, because of the people that I met (in person or virtually) because of it. And somehow I feel that this person that I have become kind of belongs here in the U.S. and doesn't make much sense at all in Brazil. I only have two friends in Brazil who blog or used to blog. Not that there aren't bloggers there, but, I don't know, although this is a virtual community, I know I could travel a few hundred miles in every direction and meet many of you in person and that thought, crazy though it may sound, is incredibly comforting to me. I even have this feeling that if I move, I have to start another blog or something, that this part of my life will be over although I'm supposed to remain the same person.

If we do go, before we depart I will want to do several "pilgrimages" to meet some of you. To NC (Hi Aliki!), to Columbus (Hi Dawn, AmFam, even Jenna who probably doesn't know who I am), to upstate NY (Hi Jo(e)!) and to some other places if possible (NYC - Sarah Sometimes).

OK, so, before I finish... some words about possible answers to those pesky little questions. I wish I could just wave them away like a cloud of annoying mosquitoes. I just wish... (sigh).

Who am I?

(Ha! I've devoted a whole post to this subject before! Nobody commented, who cares? I'm so self-centered, nobody will read this either.)

A mother. Right now an unemployed "SAHM." Possibly, a scholar, an academic. Perhaps (very distant in the past) a teacher -- I'm not confident at all about this role that I used to "play" in life. A friend. I LOVE to be a friend and be friendly, online and "in real life." Having/making friends is just one of the greatest joys of my life.

What do I want to do with my life?

Frankly, I DON'T KNOW! In spite of all past certainty about the things that I've done so far, I just don't know.... if I'd enjoy teaching full time. I know for sure I'd love to do research, but how can I do that? In Brazil I could probably get a grant quite easily and I already have tons of great projects in mind. That does feel exciting.

Where do I want to live? Why?

I hope to discuss this one further in the weeks/months to come...

What is important to me? Why?

I think I know what is important to me. My family and friends. A vibrant religious community. Working with something I'm passionate about.

All that angst and such an anti-climatic end to this post. Forgive me because I'm quite tired, having traveled to Maryland for my nephew's birthday party today. It feels good to think and write about these issues. Slowly, I know, things will get sorted out in my life. Meanwhile, either enjoy the angst or look away. Deal?