A Question of Identity (of Lack Thereof), oh, and dreams...

Apart from being a mother,* right now I feel fully devoid of any clear identity and that is pretty disconcerting, I think...

I felt compelled to write this after quickly browsing through my blogroll and reading entries from most of my favorite bloggers there. Lately I've been feeling some pangs of envy and disappointment when I read about the experiences of blogging friends who are in the tenure track path or even those who have steady jobs. I feel relived when I read the few who are still finishing up their degrees and enthusiastic about M, for example, who's basically done (congrats, my friend!).

For ten years I had a clear-cut identity: I was a graduate student, working on my degree. Half-way through that journey, my life took a permanent "detour" into motherhood and I think that this, as I have blogged repeatedly, almost insistently, about made me be even less interested in my "professional" self than in my personal self as is already natural to me. It was very comfortable (if hard -- you can read my rejected unpublished "essay"), however, to have this identity and I enjoyed it, after all, I had excellent reasons to have taken that long to finish the Ph.D.

My decision in favor of mothering and against flimsy and difficult connections to the academic world (trying to get adjunct or lecturing positions -- something very hard for me because of my area of specialization) has had some interesting consequences. On the one hand, I love even more being with my sons (more about this on subsquent posts), but on the other, I have this very diffuse, almost hidden feeling that it would be nice if I could be connected to academia once more, even if only as an "invisible" adjunct. Being in no-(wo)man's-land is no fun, I think, particularly because I did put a lot of effort into getting the (yes, really) useless Ph.D.

So here I am, not an actual elementary school teacher (I was just an "aide" PhD and all -- crazy, no?), not an academic, not really employed, not a really good housewife (because my crazy minded self absorbed navel gazing 'writer'/academic brain does not serve well in keeping house, etc... I've given up on myself), not...a.. thing. Except mother, of course.

[here comes the life "dream" part]
This doesn't bother most of the time. People have commented here things to the tune of that since I achieved my "dream" of getting the PhD I should be happy about it and try to put it to good use or some such thing, but I have to confess that getting the degree and becoming an academic has never really been any "dream" of mine. I've always LOVED to study and I did what I did passionately, but my motivation was never a clear cut and planned path to become an academic.

My dreams? Primarily, I dreamed of finding someone [check!]. I've always dreamed of having children [check!]. I dreamed of visiting Europe (have gone twice), seeing as much art as I possibly can (something to do in the excellent museums of this country which I've also visited multiple times)...

Dreams for the future? Travel even more, particularly with the boys (ah, Europe again!). Spend lots and lots of time with family (and, if possible, friends). Have more time to read and pursue my interests, to have "a room of my own" like my crafty counterparts. And... the dreams that I don't allow myself to dream (BTW, I really enjoyed your latest post, sis!) because of various still unblogged reasons: writing.

So, back to identity. I wish I could identify myself at least as a "writing mother," but as it is I am only a "blogging mother," which is similar, but not quite the same. Lately I've been feeling an almost imperceptible, if throbbing, need to try to go back to my academic interests. I know that I'm lazy and that I could/should have published several articles already, but it's hard to keep it up when one is not in an academic environment. Hopefully my knowledge won't go away in just some months, or even years... and I hope I can use it in the future. It's not my dream, it's not even my identity, but it's a hope.

In the end, being in an "identity-less" situation is not really a problem... I just wish I had more energy and passion and not so much disillusionment with academia so I could take up academic pursuits wholeheartedly. As it is, though, I am much too "poisoned" against it not to have qualms and insecurities. Everyone has those, don't they? And living in this in-between situation doesn't help either...

You know, I really needed to sleep because tomorrow is a BIG day, but I needed to blog too. I owed it to myself, right? [sigh, and this post took an hour to write, not only the 18 mins of the previous one, sigh some more]

* And I cannot emphasize enough how much I ADORE being a mother. I still insanely fantasize about having another baby (last week I dreamed one night that I had gotten accidentally pregnant and I felt so utterly relieved! "YES!" I thought in the dream, "I can finally do what I so wanted to do, have another baby) and I am fully invested in my "identity" as a devoted full time mother.