The (Terribly) Spoiled Mother & Conflicted Housewife

Intro

This long post has two parts, OK? I was going to write 2 separate ones, but it's easier to just go ahead and discuss it all at once.

The Spoiled Mother/Person

First, that's what I mean by "spoiled" in my case: having been able to be home with my boys for the past seven years, i.e. since they were born.

During Kelvin's first two years of life I was a graduate student instructor (and actually a Teaching Assistant [TA] again for my last semester, during Linton's pregnancy) and it was easy for me and K to care for him. Then we moved to the Philly area and I could not teach anymore (because of the student visa), so I just stayed home with them. Then my parents came and I worked on the dissertation at home on and off for the next 3 years. Last year I started "working," but my "work" at the school allows me to be with them again -- which has spoiled me even more.

I wonder if I can ever get "cured" from this spoiling because I need a quick fix right now. The problem is, every time I think about going to work and being faced with having to be away from the boys and leaving them somewhere I get upset, sad, teary. Frankly, however, I'm not so sure that the real cause of the problem is my "spoiled mother" feelings. These feelings are real and shouldn't be discounted, but they're not all that there is to it.

I'll cut to the chase now. I think my problem, at its core, is not really related to motherhood, I'm just using the kids as an excuse (and a valid one at that) not to get ahead and try to find work. Because I have never experienced any work that was not flexible and allowed me to travel to Brazil or abroad for over a month each year and to other places (shorter trips) whenever I wanted, I just cannot face being "imprisoned" by work that won't allow me the flexibility and the freedom to take time off and travel to be with my family. I've been actually spoiled by working part time through school in Brazil, then coming to the U.S. and being a graduate student for 11 years and just doing flexible work. Add to that the years as a part time housewife who loved to take the kids to the park, the museum, the stores, etc. Maybe all that has made me a MISFIT.

Besides, and I'll use the derogatory word here because it IS the truth and I have to face it: I've always been a lazy person. Yeah. So, there you go. And I'm pretty sure I'm definitely not a go-getter (I've had a quick discussion about this with Dawn in her comment section and through email). All work that I've always had -- with the exception of my two years as a cleaning lady (yeah, I, the messy one, was a cleaning lady) -- just "came" to me. My years as a teacher in Brazil and then TA and instructor here came as a consequence of my connections to the schools in question. So I have a hard time "going and getting" work.

In addition, I have that terrible problem with having to talk to strangers and put myself "out there" by sending CVs and resumés. In sum, I haven't been proactive and to make matters still worse, the only "work" I've tried (the online gig) I hated and didn't get approved to do anyway.

Yeah, I'm such a loser that way. I mean, a loser with a useless PhD. Oh, and on a side note, our situation has finally been acknowledged by the mainstream media now. The NYT is saying that people with humanities PhDs are doomed, basically (of course I'm being more extreme in my language here) -- it's nothing new for us, obviously :-( (thanks for linking to it Articulate Dad!). [Geeky Mom also wrote a post about another NYT article which argues that the humanities need to prove their worth in difficult times such as these. I didn't even read the articles closely because I'm tired of my own situation already, I don't need to get more frustrated/worried/disillusioned than I already am. Sigh.]

Anyway, it seems like I've finally decided to "go all out" about my issues in the blog, belatedly fulfilling one of the "resolutions" I had last year. Now, on to the second part.

The Conflicted Housewife

Maybe it's because we finally made the decision to put the house up for sale and now I'm getting cold feet, but I'm getting extremely guilty and conflicted because, again, as I've said it here before, all that stands between us keeping the house and not having to sell it is me getting a job. And right now I'm not really considering that option. First, it would have to be a decent paying full time job, preferably with benefits. Second and most important, what would we do with the kids? Third, fourth, etc... I will be STUCK! How are we going to manage caring for this big house, preparing meals, shopping, laundry, etc. with the two of us working long hours?

I'm not a typically "good" housewife by any stretch of the imagination, but, funny as it seems (because I never thought I'd feel this way, really), all I want right now is to stay at home with my children. Even if that comes at the high cost of having to get rid of this house and downsizing dramatically. I then think that I'm just being lazy and that I don't really "deserve" to stay with my children and have the freedom of coming and going as I please. Go figure.

So that's where I stand right now. Conflicted and divided. I'll have another (shorter) post up soon. This one took me the whole day to write (11 am to 4:45 pm). And I did three loads of laundry, spent the whole day baby-sitting two of my friends's kids (boy 6, girl 4) + Linton, now that Kelvin's back there are four of them running around, so I have to go see what they're doing before they bring the house down. So, perhaps I'm not that bad of a housewife after all. ;-)