Yes, I think that the recipe post was an semi-conscious attempt to hide the very sad post, or at least to diffuse the attention, lest my shame and my sorrow, not to say whiny tone, take center stage in this blog, since that's all I can write about lately. And my worries are very real. I am worried about me too, MemeGRL (thanks for your comment, it meant a lot to me), actually, this is very selfish -- I am worried about my family, about our finantial situation, about the burden that this house is, but hopefully things will be all right. Somehow. That's not what I want to write about today, though. I just want to share a significant fact about me, one which will be the background of discussions to come.
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Last August, K's family had a brief reunion (with the exception of my fourth sister-in-law who couldn't come from Brazil) for us to meet the newest grandson* and spend sometime together. *For those who don't already know, my parents-in-law have four sons and now five grandsons, we're still waiting for a girl in this family...
And in one of the late night talks that we had we settled into an interesting conversation about how, looking in retrospect, each one of us would have changed in his or her educational and/or professional life.
My MIL said she would have gone into tourism earlier, maybe getting a degree in travel & tourism or just opening her agency earlier in life. K1 (my husband) revealed that he should probably have gone into architecture since it's much more creative than what he does now and he's probably talented enough. K2 said he might have gone into medical school as he originally planned (he's a pastor now) and his wife, who has a degree in education but is switching to nursing, expressed her desire to have gone into nursing earlier, and, most importantly, to have studied English and gone to school earlier here in the U.S. (they've been here for 8 years and only now she's going to school). K3 was sleeping, but I learned many months later that he wanted to go to medical school too (I was astonished to learn that, Rene -- and, BTW, what would you have changed, do respond in the comments?). K4, the youngest, who finished his electrical engineering degree only 3 years ago said something about, I don't recall, maybe about getting an MBA. And my FIL was sleeping (as were the parents of the newborn), so we didn't get to hear his take.
Finally, it was my turn. And I, unemployed, with my recently acquired "useless" PhD still fresh in my hands, but without any future prospects and with an acute awareness of basically having "wasted" the past 10 years of my life getting this degree... I just looked down and said, meekly:
I have tears in my eyes now thinking about this and I do feel naive, stupid, pathetically selfish and idealistic, but this is all true.
The Brazilian author Orígenes Lessa wrote a poignant book that I read when I was young (15 or 16 maybe?)* and which has haunted me ever since. It is titled O feijão e o sonho (1938) (The Bean[s] and the Dream) and the main character is man who dreames of becoming a writer. The main consequence of him being such a dreamer is that he is unable to support his family (his wife and daughter) properly, hence the title -- he cannot put beans (a food staple in Brazil) on the table. He agonizes over this, but can't give up on his fruitless dream and I think that his wife ends up leaving him. I identified with that man somehow and wondered if -- because I had such foolish dreams -- I would find difficulty one day in helping bring "the beans" home. Well, I don't need to wonder any further, here I am. I have the dreams, but the beans, they continue to elude me. Why do I have to be so stubborn and passive? Why do I refuse to regret making a suicidal "career path" and studying something that, to quote that now infamous (for me) Newsweek article, is one of the "undergraduate majors for which employment prospects are so dicey your parents practically beg you to go to a trade school instead."
So, yeah... I think I'll go work at a retail store and/or open a home based daycare facility here so I can help support my family. That's what I should do ahead and do. Or, perhaps, as my BIL and his wife suggested, go to school to become a nurse-midwife or something more reliable like that.
Why do I still cling to the stupid dream?
* Although the book was not originally written for children, the author later became a prominent writer of young adult literature, so when I read this book it was marketed to young readers, in spite of its complex themes.
And in one of the late night talks that we had we settled into an interesting conversation about how, looking in retrospect, each one of us would have changed in his or her educational and/or professional life.
My MIL said she would have gone into tourism earlier, maybe getting a degree in travel & tourism or just opening her agency earlier in life. K1 (my husband) revealed that he should probably have gone into architecture since it's much more creative than what he does now and he's probably talented enough. K2 said he might have gone into medical school as he originally planned (he's a pastor now) and his wife, who has a degree in education but is switching to nursing, expressed her desire to have gone into nursing earlier, and, most importantly, to have studied English and gone to school earlier here in the U.S. (they've been here for 8 years and only now she's going to school). K3 was sleeping, but I learned many months later that he wanted to go to medical school too (I was astonished to learn that, Rene -- and, BTW, what would you have changed, do respond in the comments?). K4, the youngest, who finished his electrical engineering degree only 3 years ago said something about, I don't recall, maybe about getting an MBA. And my FIL was sleeping (as were the parents of the newborn), so we didn't get to hear his take.
Finally, it was my turn. And I, unemployed, with my recently acquired "useless" PhD still fresh in my hands, but without any future prospects and with an acute awareness of basically having "wasted" the past 10 years of my life getting this degree... I just looked down and said, meekly:
I wouldn't have changed a thing.And I wouldn't, so I continued, "I know it sounds really really stupid, I'm the one here with a degree and without a job, but, really, I did exactly what I always wanted and I wouldn't change a thing."
I have tears in my eyes now thinking about this and I do feel naive, stupid, pathetically selfish and idealistic, but this is all true.
The Brazilian author Orígenes Lessa wrote a poignant book that I read when I was young (15 or 16 maybe?)* and which has haunted me ever since. It is titled O feijão e o sonho (1938) (The Bean[s] and the Dream) and the main character is man who dreames of becoming a writer. The main consequence of him being such a dreamer is that he is unable to support his family (his wife and daughter) properly, hence the title -- he cannot put beans (a food staple in Brazil) on the table. He agonizes over this, but can't give up on his fruitless dream and I think that his wife ends up leaving him. I identified with that man somehow and wondered if -- because I had such foolish dreams -- I would find difficulty one day in helping bring "the beans" home. Well, I don't need to wonder any further, here I am. I have the dreams, but the beans, they continue to elude me. Why do I have to be so stubborn and passive? Why do I refuse to regret making a suicidal "career path" and studying something that, to quote that now infamous (for me) Newsweek article, is one of the "undergraduate majors for which employment prospects are so dicey your parents practically beg you to go to a trade school instead."
So, yeah... I think I'll go work at a retail store and/or open a home based daycare facility here so I can help support my family. That's what I should do ahead and do. Or, perhaps, as my BIL and his wife suggested, go to school to become a nurse-midwife or something more reliable like that.
Why do I still cling to the stupid dream?
* Although the book was not originally written for children, the author later became a prominent writer of young adult literature, so when I read this book it was marketed to young readers, in spite of its complex themes.
Don't listen to Newsweek! You probably don't remember (you are too young) but 20 years ago they wrote an article suggesting that women were delaying marriage for too long, and they famously reported that a woman not married by age 40 had a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than finding a husband. They were wrong, of course.
ReplyDeleteWhy should you regret achieving your dream? You should be proud. I didn't even dare to follow my dream. Instead, I was very practical and felt an obligation to get a practical degree after my "fun" undergraduate English degree. My favorite English professor told me I was wasting my potential by going to library school. Sigh. She was right.
You should always follow your dream. We only have one life, so why compromise on something like that? My daughter wants to be an artist, and I am confident she will not compromise by going to law school or something silly like that!
How many people can look back and say they have no regrets about the major choices in their lives? It's enviable, really.
ReplyDeleteSo now, since the difficulty is in balancing the need for beans with the need to continue pursuing the dream. Maybe a temporary bean-earning job (like you suggested) wouldn't be such a bad idea. You can go in, serve your time, collect your paycheck, and then keep writing, reading, loving the men in your life, and searching for the job that will make you happy.
I'm sorry I slept through that big family discussion. I don't know if I would do anything different either. I sometimes wish I'd studied journalism, health education, or tourism, and I still have some dreams of earning a Ph.D. and teaching college. But I'm much happier teaching abroad than I was in the States. I love English, love the autonomy and creativity inherent in teaching, and love working with my colleagues and (most of the) kids. Maybe I'll pursue another interest later in life, but for now I'm right where I want to be.