Dreaming of Academia

Over two weeks ago I sent out a fellowship application* and I felt so motivated and excited about my work! It felt energizing and just GREAT to get back in touch with my "academic identity," so much so that the jaded, embittered person you've seen in this blog ranting about academia (here and here, there, every where you turn, 33 posts and counting ;-) almost vanished into thin air... at least for a few days.

I wrote a good research proposal, one that my harshest committee member thought it was excellent (she also said her letter was also very strong -- yay!) and I am confident that I have a chance... particularly because there are 5 positions. Of course there might be hundreds of applications, but let me think positively about it, at least for now. In December we'll know.

Of course part of the enthusiasm has also evaporated by now, but on those days I was really pumped, truly dreaming of academia. The dream was very palpable when I was writing the proposal, I could feel the excitement building, the butterfly in my stomachs in thinking of teaching at an Ivy League school, even if only in as a postdoc on a one year fellowship. I had/have this feeling that this one thing would open so many doors for me -- but maybe it's just an illusion, maybe I don't really have a shot.

I began to daydream about going to campus everyday with K and also fret and make all kinds of plans on what to do about the boys, etc. The commute is a KILLER -- 3 hours round trip on public transportation (including a 20 minute car ride to the train), and since we'd try to tag-team parent (like my friend Alissa and her husband, the original "prototypes" of academic tag team parenting :-), driving (which takes only 40 minutes) wouldn't be an option every day. Anyway... it is/was all useless fretting until I know if I get in. I'm not overly confident, but hoping is never a bad thing, right? Obama was elected president because of the people who dared to hope and to dream.

Hopefully my (and K's too) academic dream will come true someday!

* I was going to link to it, but if I get in, you'll find out my super-duper-secret identity ;-)