Up & Down, Up & Down...

My apologies for the repeated edits!
I was going through my post drafts and I found this one, from five months ago: August 26, 2008 and I decided to post it because it reflects a lot of the feelings I've been having lately. It is also an interesting peek into how I was feeling about my newest gig, the online teaching thing. Being able to have this retrospective look is one of the reasons why I love journaling so much -- I often read my old journals and comment on something that turned out differently or marvel at the directions that our lives took. So... it's good to go back in time, so back to August 26, 2008, we go...

I just got a lovely comment in the previous post, from my friend Aliki (never mind, that post, BTW, right now I'm totally not living that positive spirit):

I love the spirit of this post--you're right, once you've tackled the Ph.D hurdle, no one can stop you!

How ARE you? I've missed you over at my place and was thinking about you...

Thanks for asking, Aliki, and I'm missing everyone too. I'm wrapped up in home renovations, weekend guests from Brazil (more this coming weekend), that training I mentioned earlier, and more, so I haven't had time to read and comment on other people's blogs :-( .

And, to answer your question, my friend, right now, this very moment, I'm really, really down. The "wishing to sit on the floor and just cry" down variety. Wallowing in stupid self-pity and sadness and wondering... and when I try to talk it over with K it all comes down to me, the fact that I didn't apply for any fellowships, or adjunct positions, or... I don't know, postdocs that don't exist but which could materialize. In sum, my defeatist attitude, my laziness, really, my sensitiveness that paralyzes me even before I go out there because I instinctively want to protect myself from failure. (I do know my limitations, though... and here we go in circles...). True, I haven't done much, and what I've been doing (see link up there) has been depressing at times.

So... hopefully blogging will help me. And apologies again for not even getting to the happy posts, to the photos and the fluff. The fluff can wait, believe me, I've been spending too much time on fluff, avoiding the real stuff. And now that reality has hit hard (need to be "financially useful") I have to try and pull myself together.

A few things. I've been very ambivalent about this latest development (see "training" link above). When I first mentioned to my closest committee member that I was going to pursue that I wrote something about that institution not being well regarded by academia, etc, and she responded by telling me to forget that, because they were doing really well, and that she'd be curious to know about how it went.

When I began the training I felt quite depressed reading the other applicants' bios and realizing that although several had been comparing "traditional classes" to online education (in one of the assignments) by saying that the instructors had the same qualifications... I was (at that point) the only Ph.D. around. Then two others joined and I felt much better. Until today. We're doing the specialized training now, and I thought that all the people who would be "facilitating" this class (and I do think that the "collaborative learning" method they use is useful because I did learn a lot from my peers) would be in the humanities, because it is a humanities class, but no! One person has an MS, another is a nurse. So... this whole thing? I don't know if I like it too much. One thing it is not, it's not really "teaching" the way we know it

[and here ended my post from August] Some quick thoughts because I need to go try and write some emails offering my teaching to colleges and universities in t he are.

I am still holding off on the "fluff" -- the 365 project photos, although I've posted at least one of my (stupid) music posts already. My morale has improve with the ability to make some money through the school (although that has its own negative side, I have to blog about that some time) and the online gig, but I still need to find other sources of income (my new year's resolution). The online work proved to be extremely stressful and I don't know yet whether I have passed the training or not. So, the jury's still out on whether I'll continue to have this (important) source of income or not. I know I kind of messed up, but I don't know how I could have done things differently -- just by being another person, organized, systematic, disciplined. All that I'm not.

Ok, I really have to go, K would be upset if he knew I was posting this, so... here it is.

(ETA) P.S. I think this was the only post with a direct link to my prospective employer. I thought I had posted and now I realize I hadn't and now I realize why none of you knew where I was working. I probably shouldn't have the link, but, frankly, I don't care at this point.