Really. I know it's a very silly title, but I wonder about this "big question" every day, sometimes many times a day, all the time even. It's a very pathetic question to be asking oneself at 36 isn't it? Sometimes I blame it all on this endless Ph.D. that I started 9 years ago and while it's certainly to blame, it is not the whole picture. The fact that I decided to have children during grad school also has a lot to with this question and with where I'm at today. Another factor is my visa status.* I cannot just decide I want to go and work somewhere because I can't. Not until an employer gives me a work visa or I become a resident through my husband (this is a couple of years ahead into the future).
* On a student visa one can only work at the school one is getting the degree from. After getting the degree you can ask for a one year "practical training " work "permit" which is what I'm planning to get next year -- this has several drawbacks, though because if I get it I can't leave the country after I graduate to visit Brazil with the boys and I cannot leave the country for the whole year while I'm using the permit. That sounds like a nightmare to me because I just love to go to Brazil every year if I can, at least once. Oh, and there's an academic conference I'd really love to attend in Brazil next year in July. Besides, if I get the permit but don't get a job it'll be useless!!!
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The academic job season is starting and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not there. I looked at the postings in foreign literature today and there are even some (like TWO) positions here in the area -- one of them I have absolutely NO CHANCE of getting, since it's in the local Ivy League school where my husband did his postdoc work (lucky him! ;). I think I may apply, but I already know that it's going to be really really painful to send this one hopeless application. The other Ivy League one hour North also has a position (which they probably didn't fill from last year -- how discouraging is that?) in the general area of my Ph.D. (not in my expertise), but that one I won't even consider. Looking at academic job posting makes me quite anxious and nervous, but it's nothing like preparing for and applying to them.
Articulate Dad (who used to blog at Post Ph.D. Blues/Shades of Blue and now is at OFI/OFO) wrote some nice posts last year about how hard it is to send an application. It feels as if we're sending our whole life out in those pieces of paper and it's very hard to do it and to imagine that our life is just being thrown in the garbage with all those other CVs and cover letters that don't fit in. It's an extremely nerve-racking, humbling, and almost heartbreaking experience, at least for me. It makes me feel very very vulnerable. Just thinking about writing a cover letter makes me shiver. And don't get me wrong, I think I can write a good letter, but I'm just not confident about myself and academia, that's all. As I've written before (this post about last year's job search has several links to others) I just have many many issues with academia, some personal, others more about the "institution" itself.
First, I don't really know if I want to enter academia in the first place. I haven't been teaching for three years (four when next academic year comes around) and I haven't been on campus, so I'm really out of touch with it. I have a very rich, varied, probably excellent list of courses taught, so I certainly have experience (if not stellar student reviews -- and I do feel pretty bad about those), but to be honest, I never felt very confident about my teaching. I never felt I was an excellent teacher -- as an aside, should I really be writing this? What if a search committee finds the blog and this post? Do I really care, though? -- and I never felt like I really knew what I was doing. I mean, I planned my courses well, based on the "standard version" taught by the dept. professors, but adding my own spin, choosing books about Brazil, etc. I kind of enjoyed lecturing, but I preferred to lead discussions, after all I was a T.A. leading discussion sections for three years before I started teaching my own courses (in the next 3 years).
I love researching, that's for sure, even though I am lazy and I haven't been working on the dissertation like I should and it's taking my ages to finish. I really enjoy going to conferences, writing papers for publication, presenting my work, finding other people with the same interests, etc. I wonder how I could continue doing scholarship without being in an academic setting... I wonder what other kind of job I could do in which I could employ my interests and abilities as a researcher and my Ph.D. If I got a job at a community college or a small teaching institution or an adjunct position somewhere I would have to spend all my time teaching and grading and would not have time to research -- is that something I want to pursue at all? Adjunct positions don't pay well, that's another (sad) consideration.
The next problem, probably the biggest, is the institutions themselves... In order to be selected by a search committee one has to fit in, to know the ropes, to "sell oneself" well. I just feel absolutely rebellious about all that. I mean, I wish I could be myself and still find a job, but I have to fulfill the demands of a system that I don't understand well. There are "fashionable" areas and those change every few years. My husband, for example, was completely out of luck because his first area of expertise (from the Ph.D., not postdoc) is no longer "hot" now -- isn't that just outrageous? But that's how it works!! I know that the work I'm doing is extremely uncommon, probably unique even. Last year in my one and only interview one search committee member asked me with this funny face why has I chosen that topic for my dissertation -- it was clear that he thought it was pretty odd.
Sigh.
I don't want to write about this anymore, but I hope at least some other academic folks read this and sympathize with me.
Most of the time I feel like the Ph.D. was/is just a huge waste of time and money. If I'd gone back to Brazil as originally planned I'd be extremely useful there -- they really needed my experience abroad at the school that was sponsoring us. But that was not what we chose to do, we decided to stay here and now K (my husband) is moving away from academia. Maybe I should too, but what in the world could I do? I feel just profoundly sad to think that I'll take these ten years of my life and the work I developed in them and "bury" them into oblivion. It hurts, it makes me want to cry. On the other hand, I have no illusions whatsoever about academia. I don't think I can get a tenure track job. Everything conspires against me -- too long to get the Ph.D., no fashionable dissertation topic, obscure literature and language (Portuguese/ Brazilian lit) with no demand at all, no stellar student reviews. I do have some strengths -- good teaching experience, at least two people who will write GREAT letters of recommendation -- that's about it, though. Do I have what it takes? I don't really think so.
What else could I do?
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Pretty soon I'll probably start teaching piano again for at least 3 or 4 people. That, and private English classes, could be a good way to earn some money, if it's income that I'm worried about. There's no question that we need more income, particularly because we chose to buy this "fixer upper"single home instead of staying with a safer, work and worry free town-home. But, it's really boring to teach piano and English. I need to do something with my brain and I just couldn't do that for the rest of my life. I want to feel useful and productive, but I just don't know what would fulfill me. So then I turn to other, slightly "deviant" thoughts ;) (some of you out there, Kate, Anjali, AD you may guess what I mean from comments I left in your blog recently). But I'll talk about those next time. It's been enough for now! Thanks for listening, I truly appreciate your patience and your kindness if you're still with me at this point. I guess this topic will become a recurring one in the near future! My apologies if it's boring to read about my musings...
7 comments:
Lilian, I hope you can find something you like.
Have you ever thought about museums or archives or literary manuscripts curating? I used to be an archivist.
To work in an academic (university) library you'd need an MLS (not hard to acquire--you can finish in a year) but there are also plenty of private institutions that hire people with PhD's or Masters rather than library degrees.
I used to be an archivist, but it wasn't a good fit for me at that time. I was way too young. Most people in the profession come to it a bit later (second career) and are a little older, so I felt very out of place in my early 20s. I think I would love it now--very interesting work.
Good luck with all of this. These are big questions that I've considered myself, as I'm not sure if I'll want to teach forever, or at what level, or if I want to go back for the Ph.D. or not. (I feel almost sick everytime I consider returning to a HS in the U.S.--and I'm not exactly sure why, since my experience there was really fairly good.)
Anyway. If you haven't already checked it out, let me pass along this site to commiserate. Their topics vary, but there are multiple posts expressing similar feelings/concerns.
http://rateyourstudents.blogspot.com/
Your thoughts are never boring, Lilian.
My sister is in a similar position--except she *has* her Ph.D and cannot find a job. And she's married (no kids) and her husband has a nice job at a really good university and she's not crazy about teaching, either.
It's tough-- I can understand what you're feeling. Another commenter suggested an MLS? That might certainly engage your mind and give you something more tangible to work towards.
Have you considered grant writing? If you can find a position or even market yourself as a consultant, it is stimulating and can pay well--I did it full time for several years for a non-profit before returning to academia. I've been offered up to $25 an hour to write grants free lance for people. I've never done it though because I've always been too enmeshed in my own work. Grant writing is very, very different from academic writing.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. :) I've been meaning to leave you a comment for a while.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so lost, but trust me, you've got company.
You write "I need to do something with my brain ..." but wonder just what to do, if not academia. This thought also holds me back from leaving my work. If I'm not doing this, what will I do?
I look forward to reading about your search for meaning. Maybe your search will inform mine.
I am glad you are back to blogging it all! These questions never end my friend. That's a good thing too. Keep on wondering...
Sigh. This question is always fascinating to me. I hope you can find something that works for you. It sounds like you are not being led in the direction of teaching, but people have mentioned some other intriguing ideas, and I'm sure there is something out there that would fill the bill. Keep looking into it-- I know there's something out there for you!
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