The No-Cry Discipline Solution - Blog Book Tour

Parenting is not easy, but in my point of view, discipline is the hardest aspect of parenting, hands down. I personally feel that discipline is so hard, almost a torture, because it seems to require that I be constantly on guard, trying to curb undesirable behavior from my children, since conventional wisdom and parenting gurus alike emphasize that you need to act promptly and be consistent in order for discipline to work. And I don't want to feel that way, I want to enjoy being with my children without the constant worry of being a good disciplinarian looming above me. So I worry about this constantly, I worry that I'm a much worse disciplinarian than my husband and I really want to learn how do to a better job. This book couldn't have come my way at a better time in my life, then! I'll have to write a "pre-quel" post to discuss some of these issues in more detail, but now I need to get into the book.

Elizabeth Pantley is a well-known parenting author, particularly because of her No-Cry Sleep Solution books. I haven't read those books, but I know Pantley from another book of hers, Perfect Parenting (in spite of the slightly unfortunate title, it's pretty good, I'll come back to it later). Do check the author's website for information on her other books and even extra materials such as sleep logs and a mailing list. The publisher has also made some videos (interviews with Pantley) available on their site - videos are on the right side of the screen.

Before I go on to discuss the book, I want to quickly highlight two things that I liked in it:

1) The fact that the author consulted "test parents" from all over the world (U.S., Canada, U.K., Israel, New Zealand, Australia, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, France, Mexico, BRAZIL!!, South Africa, Iceland, Ireland, Japan, and Russia -- the number of families, children, and their names are listed on pages xviii-xxi) and the book is full of little boxes of "mother- & father-speak" stories and in nearly all of them the names of the parent, child(ren) and their age(s) are given (you may remember that I was slightly annoyed by the anonymity of the personal statements in the previous book I reviewed). These stories or statements are real life examples of the things that the author is discussing at various points of the book. In addition, these families shared cute photos of their children that illustrate the book and make these families' experiences even more "real" to the readers.

2) The book is very well organized in four parts, beginning with parenting attitudes, moving on to parenting skills and tools, strategies to deal with anger, and "Specific Solutions for Everyday Problems." The first three parts have helpful "Reminder pages" at the end that list all the points and suggestions discussed. These are very handy for us busy parents.

Part one: "The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline: Essential Parenting Attitudes" surprised me quite a bit in an interesting way. Before getting into the foundations of her discipline "philosophy" Pantley discusses certain myths that many parents believe and I simply didn't believe in ANY of them! In addition, I already practice most of the "foundation" points that she goes on to list next. That was reassuring, but a bit unsettling since it made me wonder what this book would be able to teach me since I didn't seem to fit the parenting stereotype set out by these myths. Well, it turns out that in spite of the fact that I am already a "believer" in the values that Pantley emphasizes* I did have quite a bit to learn from this book!
*such as seeing the big picture, relaxing more and stressing less and enjoying play, give oneself more credit, follow your heart and not others' advice, "Be Willing to Break the Rules," "See the World Through Your Child's Eyes," "Live in the Moment" and others.

One of the foundations is very interesting and important to remember: "Rest Assured that Your Kids Love You, Even When They Hate You (Because they Really Don't)." I have found from experience that in the thick of parenting it's easy to forget that it's not about you, not about us the parents, and "that children are egocentric - they are concerned primarily with their own needs and wants." (35) We have to “Remember that your child is a child and has a lot to learn about life. Keep in mind that he isn’t out to get you, he isn’t trying to anger you, and he doesn’t have a master plan to drive you crazy. He’s just going about life in his blissful little world.” (32)

This key point highlighted by Pantley is indeed key:

Your most important goal as a parent is not to make your child happy every minute of every day . . . Your actual goal is much harder: raise a first-rate human being.

One of the most important concepts in the book is the one that basically all discipline problems are caused by the fact that children lack emotional control (39). Pantley argues, and gives many concrete examples to get her point across, that the aim of discipline is trying to understand the real cause of the bothersome behavior (a child may be hungry, tired, bored, and many other things) and then address that problem as well as correcting the undesired behavior. With this approach, she argues, one can even prevent "bad behaviors" from happening.

The first part ends with a to the point discussion "The Four Parts to Discipline" (p. 42-46):

1. To correct immediate behavior
2. To teach a lesson
3. To give tools that build self-discipline and emotional control
4. To build the parent/child relationship.

Part two of the book is titled "No-Cry Discipline Parenting Skills and Tools" is a rich list of practical tools that aim at "keep[ing] you calm and in control, help you make good long-term decisions, and help you encourage your child to willingly cooperate with you." (51) Pantley continues saying that

Using these methods will help your day run more smoothly, and they will help you build a close, loving relationship with your children that can last a lifetime. These methods also will allow you to live in the joy of the moment, since you won't be immersed in the juggling of all those issues involved in daily survival. (50)

WOW, what an answer to my most troubling questions regarding my own discipline problems and my dread of discipline sucking all the joy from my parenting!

Next, Pantley provides a list of the "real problems" that may be causing the trouble because often, she writes, "the issue that sets off the behavior has little to do with anything that requires an act of discipline by the parent." (53) And she summarizes: "In essence, the issue then is not always about how to discipline children but how to change the environment in order to help them gain control over their emotions and reactions." (53).

This part is followed by a section on "Discipline and Cooperation" whose subtitle is the cheerful "Choose Your Adventure." Instead of only having the old and sad "time-out" option, Pantley suggests that we learn many different other methods to address problematic behavior. Some of these are predictable like consistency and offering choices; some others I had already used by instinct, such as distraction, and using humor, being silly. Others were new to me and loads of fun like the Cooperation Games, making objects talk, engaging the imagination, singing songs (I do that, but not as often as I should). Interestingly enough, in the past two years my mom has been using several of these techniques to get my sons to cooperate and I hadn't even thought about them! In the few weeks since I got this book I have been using a few of the tools and it's amazing to see how they work every time!!! My son often won't do things I ask him to, but if I say "I bet you can't do that in one minute" or "I wonder how long it would take for you do to that -- should I put the timer for 5 minutes?" (My mom often puts the timer in the morning so Kelvin will get dressed, for example) -- he'll do it!! When trying to leave a playground, store or another place all I have to do is propose a race and we're out of there in a few seconds!!

These techniques do work!!

The last section of part two is a detailed discussion of how to deal with "The Big Three:" "Tantrums, Fussing, and Whining."

Part three is devoted to anger management (on the part of the parents) and this is a KEY part of the book for me -- I promise to write a whole post about this issue (about my problems with it, not the book). One of the key points of this part according to Pantley is

My child's misbehavior does not cause my anger. I create anger by my interpretation of the behavior and with my response to that interpretation.

The remainder of this part offers strategies to manage anger which can be summarized in the "Six Steps to Staying Calm:" Stop, Space, Soothe, See, Specify, Solve.

The last part of the book contains "Specific Solutions for Everyday Problems" and is very similar to Pantley's previous book Perfect Parenting: The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips which I do recommend, in spite of the off putting title. It presents, in alphabetical order, several behavior problems and how to address them "Applying No-Cry Parenting Skills." The problems are approached from three sides: "Think About It," "What to Do," and "What Not to Do."

Well, I guess I've given you more than enough of a "taste" of this book so you can make your own decision about it. I'm looking forward to reading the last two parts in detail and putting even more strategies into action with my boys. I feel that this books gives me the tools that I need to achieve my goals of disciplining my sons while developing a loving and fun relationship to them!

P.S. I put the post back up since they had already linked to it there at the Mother Talk site :)