Suppressing High Hopes

I'm feeling slightly better now, but a couple of hours ago I was feeling hopelessly depressed.

It's hard to let go of hopes. I know it's better than being bitterly disappointed later, but still, it is good to dream and having to rationally keep those dreams in check is tough.

I mean, my dreams are not even that far fetched.

I dream about:

- Getting out of "limbo" (Not having to live on a student and temporary work visas; knowing where we're going to live in the next 5, 10 years; not having to live on a tight budget and in a neighborhood we don't really like but which was what we could afford)*

- For my husband to have a job in a place we can settle and then I can also start to look for a job.

- Having a bigger house in a nice neighborhood, with a garden, maybe we could get a playground set for the boys for the yard...

- Getting rid of our hand me down and mismatched pieces of furniture, particularly in our bedroom, and getting a new mattress and bedroom set.

- Down the road, a newer minivan/ car

*Writing these makes me want to stop right here and NOW. We're so fortunate... so many people in the world and even in this country don't have even one tenth of what we have. Why should I be complaining? It's not fair... We own a home, we live comfortably, if frugally, we have almost two Ph.D.s... we should be really happy and content. I don't feel I have even a right to feel that way, but I do. It's good to think this way -- it definitely puts things into perspective.

OK, now why am I feeling like that to begin with?

A few hours ago my husband (K) sent me an email saying that he has serious doubts that the industry interview will go anywhere. These thoughts started creeping over him after he accidentally found out that a colleague from our Ph.D. institution (who's finishing his degree this Spring) is going to interview for the same position (he didn't tell the guy he was also interviewing, obviously). It's not even that he fears the competition, even though this guy's research does have a better affinity with the pharmaceutical industry than K's. There's the question of the visa. Foreign status is not a problem at all in academia -- there are no caps (visa limits) for academic jobs -- but in the industry, these caps are enforced. So, first, the cap needs to be still unmet, then, K would have to be the "only" candidate, not occupying the place of any Americans (this guy he met today is obviously American).

Talk about a reality check. K just says we shouldn't have any hopes that he'll get this job. He doesn't think it is possible. Of course we've heard that in the industry, if they really want you, they''ll go through great lengths to get you to work for them but... immigration problems are probably the greatest barrier one could possibly find!!

He hasn't heard back from the university in which he interviewed and it's getting so late in the game that we suspect the position may have been filled. And they had three. Yes, three positions. Six interviewees. This makes K realize one more time what he already knows -- that he was duped by his "boss" and basically forced to do research in an area that no one really knows or cares about.

Three years, almost wasted. His only option may be going for another postdoc. Another year, or maybe two, on limbo.

Remember his colleague, the one with the three job offers? He applied for three years in a row and did two posts docs (of 2 years each), so it may be necessary for him to go this route. Particularly because he was extremely unfortunate in terms of research projects and area.

Last night K also had an informal, but long, interview with the head of the search committee of the small private teaching university in California. He was not very excited about the prospects. It didn't help that he had spent the day hearing about all the wonderful opportunities presented in the industry and thinking to himself (this was before today's reality check, obviously) -- wow, I'm here listening to these talks and next week I have an industry interview! Anyway... we're not too excited about going to the West Coast anyway.

All right, I'm sorry I'm "dumping" all this on you, but it surely helps to get it off my chest. K was apologizing profusely as we talked, since he knows I sometimes feel even more depressed than he does. I still need to finish the dissertation, I haven't worked in nearly three years (which is, frankly a bit depressing if I come to think of it), I have to keep waiting for him to get a job so our family situation improves... it's tough.

Last but not least, I cannot let any of this transpire to my parents who are the two people I spend the whole day with in this small house. We know what they would tell us: see? You should go back to Brazil and work there... That's not something we're planning of doing right now, even though our perspectives here are kind of bleak.


OK -- we're going back to our "regularly scheduled programming" after this. Promise!! A book review (YAY!) on Wednesday, and this weekend will be Kelvin's 5th birthday party. So hopefully I won't have time to worry about these issues... and will be blogging about fun stuff like birthday cakes, Brazilian party food, etc!!!