(NOT) Getting a Grip and Taking Control

First, there are many other things I'd rather be posting about, as you already know (e.g. I have this post I really want to write linking to some of the favorite recent blog posts I've read and commenting them), but I have to continue writing about the dissertation as I pledged I would do. (and because as you'll see, my idle days are over)

Just for you to have an idea how hard this is, I started this post on January 9th, but only got back to it on 2/7 and I'm finally finishing today. And just because it wouldn't make much sense to post it after today!! So, it's now or never! (I've managed to read blogs and do other stuff since I started working on this hours ago so you see how much I don't want to write about this).

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I really wanted, for the past several months, to "get a grip" on the dissertation work. To take control of my own life in this respect (and others too). You see, I haven't really been doing too well on that respect. Let me tell you a little more about it. I'll be mostly writing about mothering, but you'll see where I'm trying to get to once I finish, so hang on.

The Five Month "Rule"
While visiting Brazil in 2005, my brother's mother-in-law (who lives only four houses down from my parents' house) asked me, "How do you manage by yourself with two children ?"

You see, in Brazil most everyone from the lower middle class up has domestic help, as I posted here a long time ago (an interesting post, if I may say so myself, about the fact that in Brazil there are no "mommy wars" because of this fact). One of my best girl friends is married to my brother's brother-in-law and has two children the same age as mine.* She has a cleaning/cooking lady (who works every weekday) and a nanny. (My friend does work part time from her mother's home, though, I should make that clear). It's no surprise then that her MIL was asking me how I managed. I answered something about my husband helping (which is actually very relevant, but that's not the topic of this post) or something else I can't remember right now.

When I came back home I came up with a response, though. Well, I do manage fine, but only for five months or so at a time! :) Let me explain. My parents were here (for six months) before and after my youngest son was born in 2004. They went back to Brazil when he was three months old and 5 months later I went with the boys to Brazil , where I spent almost 2 months (I blogged about this a bit in Feb. and March 05). I came back home, and five months later my parents were back. They were here for almost a year (with two months in Brazil during that period, but I was there then too) so I could work on my dissertation. It's been 6 months (5 in January when I started the post) since they left, but they just returned today. So how does this tie in with the post's topic?

(Not) Working on the Dissertation
I want to make it clear that I can't thank my parents enough for what they have done and have been doing for me (and for us, actually) and I will basically "owe" them my Ph.D. when I finish. I have a lingering fear, though, that this wonderful help is making it harder for me to get a grip on my life, doing things by myself, no matter how hard.

OK, first of all, I do realize that it is really hard to work on a dissertation while I care full time for my two young boys with no childcare or pre-school to help. But I know for how much time I have been spending online when I could be working on the dissertation. Again, I know that reading blogs, or writing blog posts doesn't require the concentration that one needs to finish writing chapters of the dissertation, so it's easier to do with children around.

Another thing: when they're here I'm literally forced to work, because they're spending quite a bit of money to be here and they keep asking me how much progress, I'm doing, etc. That gives me the pressure that I need to produce. One of the hardest things about writing a dissertation and finishing a Ph.D. is that we don't have any deadlines and we don't have the pressure to finish at the end of a given semester in the way that coursework does (Sarah just wrote about this last week). I'm the kind of person who needs the pressure of deadlines and my parents' presence here helps with that.


This has actually become a kind of pointless post... When I started it in January, I was trying to berate myself for not working and trying to get motivated to take control of my life. I was never able to do it, though, I just kept going, busy with the children, the house, our daily life, etc... I know I have to finish this, so even though it may seem that I don't have a grip, I kind of do, whatever.

All right, so next, I have the outline of a post in which I list all the things that are problematic for me in the process of finishing the dissertation. It should be interesting to write about those in more detail. I think about these problems (both external and "internal" -- personality wise) all the time, but I guess writing here will help me look for strategies to overcome them. I'll try to squeeze in a fun post or two while I can. As I begin to work in earnest, though I'll try to keep blogging strictly as a reward for working. We'll see how it goes. Please think of me and pray (if you do), I need all the help I can get.

Sorry for the terribly scattered post, I need to publish it now, like this, or else I'll never do it.

*These are the same friends who visited us at the end of January.