I commented in her blog about this post:
Oh, Andi, you made me cry.This is really something I've been thinking about lately... I don't have much to add to what I wrote in my comment. I just want to reiterate that will probably be a very important year for us. In Brazil they have this strange habit of changing/making up movie titles, and St. Elmo's Fire is titled there "The First Year of the Rest of Our Lives." This is probably one of those years for us. 1996, the year we moved to the U.S., was another one too.
I love music dearly, even though I'm pretty bad at it. I took piano classes for 17 years, from 6 years old to 23.
Your essay struck a deep chord within me, though because I have no idea what'll happen in my future. I'm on the brink of finishing the Ph.D. after working on it for nearly 8 years. I just had a couple of meetings with my advisors and they think my research is brilliant. Both of them know, though, that I will have a hard time continuing this research if I can't find an academic job where I can apply for grants and "keep up my good work." The likelihood of getting such a job, though, are very slim, particularly because my husband is in the same position and the job that he gets maybe at a university/ college that has no room for me.
Well, sorry for making this such a long comment. I should go post in my blog instead and maybe I will... but your post gave me hope. I think I can do other things with my life if being an academic doesn't work out. You were very corageous to give up what you had worked so hard for, but you had a dream to follow. I don't know what my dream would be. I know I want to write too, but I don't know where to start. I feel hopeful, though. Closing one door is not the end, it may be just the beginning -- as cliched as that may sound...
We both feel really strange about what the future may hold. We feel the need to settle down somewhere and, like my husband was telling me yesterday, we're getting "older" (35) and we don't want to go just anywhere, like a younger, more adventurous, childless couple, might want to go. And that makes applying for academic jobs that much more difficult. My husband has a list of 56 places he may apply to (he won't apply to all, of course) and my list is pretty small (I'm doing this just half-heartedly, so I don't even know by heart how many positions I can apply to), but we worry about getting offers from places that are not that attractive for us to live, and most are not. I feel terrible about this, since we should be just so thankful if we have offers to begin with, but it's such a tough decision!!
I'm sure many of you have gone through similar experiences and I'd appreciate any thoughts you share with me right now...
As for my dreams, academia, and the Ph.D. I'm not terribly worried, but I do wish I could continue being a scholar. I think I do have aptitude for it, in spite of the fact that I'm not the most dedicated person (remember I said here before that I'm lazy?). Unless I was able to really write (and I'm much less confident in myself as a writer than as an academic -- and if you've been reading the blog you already know that I'm not confident at all in this area), I think I'd be frustrated for the rest of my life if I had to leave academia. And I think my husband would feel the same way. I think one can only be happy if, like Andi, one leaves one dream in pursuit of another...
I hope I can look back in ten years and to know that I have found my way.
Upadated to add: I posted a comment below in response to Aliki's comment.
Yep, that's me: studying something for 20 years only to give it up. Was it a waste of time? Was I not good enough at it? - really excellent questions, Andi might've described my own life. And yet I don't regret for a single moment what I did. I like your answer, Lilian, "to give up one dream in pursuit of another." In my case I have to admit that if I had dug deeper into myself earlier on, I'd have discovered that my studies were never my "real" dream to begin with. I've always wanted something else - yes, also to write, among others, but I always thought I wasn't good enough as a writer, either, so it's safer to just stay with what I know I'm good at: studying OTHER people's writings. No wonder I got crabby about it eventually. For me this realization was a true liberation and a gigantic step towards self-knowledge.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartfelt post, Lilian. I think that as long as you know deep down what your dream is then you'll achieve it! I envy you the certainty you feel about academia--I've never truly felt it, to be honest. This is probably reason #1 why I just can't finish what *I* started nine years ago. I have other passions and am so tired of putting them on hold.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! Persevere! I'm glad your advisor meetings went so well.
Well, Aliki, my certainty is not as much about academia per se (you should see the post I linked to, even though it was written in full crisis mode), but continuing to do research, being a scholar. I'm not to fond of teaching, to be sincere, but I love to do research, to learn more and more about many many different topics. I'm interested and fascinated by so many things and want to pursue scholarship in so many areas that in the end perhaps I don't really belong in academia... maybe one has to be very narrow-minded to succeed there...
ReplyDeleteOh well. I have to approach one thing at a time. Now I have to finish the dissertation and apply for a handful of jobs, then cross my fingers that one of us gets an offer and then we'll see...
I'm in the opposite situation...I *love* teaching, but I *hate* research. I enjoyed some of my own research when I was conducting it, child-free, some eight or nine years ago, but I just don't love it enough to go the distance with it or make huge sacrifices for it. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you have to be narrow-minded in academia--I think that would be an undesirable trait. So much of research and academics *should* involve a crossing of disciplines, a desire to explore new areas of research, and an interest in other fields. So I think you have great traits for academia!
Hi Lilian! I commented on this post (or tried to) before anyone else, but then I realized I had to log in to Google and when I did, lost the whole comment and didn't have time to recreate it. Anyway, this really resonated with me, too, since I have changed paths rather drastically-- though in my case, there was never one particular dream that I was faithful to.
ReplyDeleteIn your case, I can only imagine how unsettling it must be not to know what the future holds. I do think that no matter what happens, you can and should continue to do what you love-- maybe publish in academic journals, make your diss into a book, etc? I don't know what is involved in all of that, not being an academic myself, but there must be some way to keep your foot in even if you're not actually teaching. Right?
In any case, keep us informed!
Hi Lilian,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog via Jo(e)'s page. I'm near Philly, too. (We have tons of trees in Swarthmore!) Anyway, I don't have anything to add other than this: I ended up leaving academia, and just remember that you don't NEED to stay in it if it doesn't work for you.
Lilian, I can relate to this post too. I have changed paths and developed new dreams as well as putting old ones on hold only to pick them up later. I am a little older than you so I can say from this perspective... it all comes around in its own time. The path may twist and turn but it is all good and you can use it all to grow and create beauty.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and/or your husband find really great jobs around here though!