Remembering 9/11

This is my first post about this topic. Last year I didn't think of posting about 9/11 for some reason, but this year I want to do it. I can't believe it's been 5 years already, I can remember that day as if it were yesterday.
First, let me tell you a bit about the photo above. It's not from the internet. My husband (then boyfriend) took it from the ferry as it left Ellis Island on July 15, 1993. I never imagined it would become such a meaningful image to me many years later. This photo was one of the first things that came to my mind when I learned the towers were gone.

I never saw the events live on television on that fateful morning. I slept in as usual and when I got my husband's email at around 11 am, I truly thought it was a joke. It was just one telegraphic line which said something like "Airplanes hit the Pentagon and the twin towers and and the towers have fallen to the ground." I immediately turned on the TV and images of lower Manhattan flooded the screen, but all I could see was a cloud of smoke, there were no towers. My husband actually didn't see the towers falling either because he got to the campus center place with a large TV after the first one had fallen and the second one fell while he was emailing me.

When I realized what had happened, I was filled with despair. I had found out I was pregnant with our first child only four days earlier and I thought it was "the end of the world" in a sense, I felt was despair that I was pregnant in such a terible time. At the same time I felt it was awful to feel such despair because it migh hurt the baby growing inside me. I was getting frantic and I needed to see somebody. Anybody. I rushed upstairs (our TV was in the basement) and out the door of our condo/towhouse. The neighbor's door was open and I called her. I was in tears by then and she gave me a hug. I told her I needed to see someone, and that the hug made me feel better. I also mumbled something about not believing in what was happening and that I had missed seeing everything... I couldn't believe that either.

I loved those towers, as I love any tall buildings, towers, and structures. I love to be able to go as high as I can and see the world from up there and I do it in any city we visit. I had been up there in the World Trade Center twice, in 1993 and 1996. You can see a photo of me with lower Manhattan in the background also taken on July 15, 1993.
The Sbarro restaurant in the lower level of the WTC was dear to me because we had had a meal there with my husband's family when we first came to the U.S. in 1993 and subsequently with my parents in 1997. The Borders bookstore in the street level was a place I enjoyed as well and we had been in there literally for hours as we waited my parents go up the towers in 1997. I thought of all those books having become dust, of us never eating again in that restaurant, or taking the trains to our friends house in New Jersey there. I remembered the WTC subway station very clearly. I also thought the number of deaths would be much higher than it actually was in the end.

Another photo taken by my husband on July 15, 1993.

That December, when I was 7 months pregnant, my three brothers-in-law, my SIL, and one of my younger BIL's girlfriend came from Texas to spend Christmas and New Year's with us. We went to NYC on Dec. 30 and 31st and on the 31st we decided to stay in line to see Ground zero. It was incredibly cold and my sister-in-law and I tried avoid the cold to stay indoors at a nearbyCatholic church (which was very cold too) and a coffee-shop while the men stayed in line in the freezing cold for almost 4 hours. When the time came for us to walk up the long wooden ramp to see the site, Rudy Giuliani appeared! It was probably one of the last things he did in his last day as mayor of NYC. We even took a picture!
We were a very numb because of the cold, but it was quite moving to see ground zero only three months after 9/11.
I have been back there several times since then, but none of them can compare to that first visit, when everything was still so raw, all buildings around ground zero were still severely damaged, the Hilton hotel accross the street, closed. The church that served as a memorial place (I can't remember the name) was loaded with posters, photos, mementos. The line and the entrance to the ramp to view the site were actually right by that church.

I still have a hard time to think about this event, process it, and accept that something like this ever happened. It just seems so unthinkable... but the unthinkable happened.

Edited to add: Professing Mama wrote an excellent post criticizing the ways the 9/11 events are used and politicized. For another moving personal account check out this post by World of One Thousand Different Things.