My sister-in-law's comment to my last post made me think some more and get to write this post. For her, and anyone who's not yet a mother, I have to say that the sleep problems that I was "whining" about in the previous post is a direct consequence of our parenting choices (they were mine and my husband's, not mine alone). Sleeping, as almost any other parenting issue, is a extremely loaded subject. I don't know the exact reference, but one well-known "mommy blogger" was once violently attacked in the comments section because of her admission that she had let her son "cry it out." I think this is absurd, and I try not to be judgemental of other mother's choices although it's not easy, and I admit to having failed at it sometimes.
I think what I want to say here is the following: there are many ways to parent and to mother and I do not think that my own choices are the only ones that are valid or good.
Regarding sleep, for example, I sometimes wish I were able, or "brave" enough, to have "taught" both my sons learn to sleep on their own and alone in their cribs after they were 5 months (usually the age that most especialists agree that, if the baby is healthy, has enough weight, he or she doesn't need to breastfeed all night long anymore and is "technically" ready to sleep through the night). My other SIL did that and it was great for their family, since she couldn't sleep well with the baby on her side. However, I am the kind of mother who cannot bear to hear her babies crying, it just kills me. The only way I was able to bear my oldest son's cries it when I night-weaned him was because I was absolutely convinced that he didn't need to nurse at night anymore at 18 months and that I needed to have uninterrupted nights of sleep at because I was pregnant and already exhausted.
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What I wanted to share regarding motherhood is that I have always felt a deep confidence in myself as a mother. I know I have many faults. I am one of the worst procrastinators on earth, I am messy, disorganized, quite lazy at times. I spend too much time online and although I enjoy cooking sometimes I don't do it as often and timely as I should. I have very ambivalent feelings about myself as a scholar -- I am confident in my ability to do "raw" research but not so much in my teaching and my (in)abilities to read critically and have my own ideas and interpretations. I sometimes don't feel too happy about my body (I want to post about that one day). In sum, I am always looking at myself critically.
But...
I am blissfully happy about being a mother and I have always been, from day one. I know I am very fortunate not to have faced post-partum depression and I only had a mild case of "post-partum blues" motivated by my breastfeeding problems. I have never felt any self-doubt regarding my abilities to mother, on the contrary, I have always felt confident that I was the mother my sons needed and if I were just myself (without trying to be a "better person"), that would be enough for them. I have obviously felt nervous and angry with them at times like any other mother, but generally these situations come and go fairly quickly. I felt, for instance, extremely mad at my youngest son when he was a newborn and would cry in the middle of the night or early morning for no apparent reason when all I wanted to do was sleep, and although I felt a bit guilty for having those feelings, I knew they were normal and would soon melt away when I was less tired and able to enjoy the baby more fully.
Apart from breastfeeding, which I feel very passionate about and something I wish every mother could [Edited to add: if possible] be able to provide their babies, there are no other mothering "values" or beliefs that I feel like I can ask of [Ed. to add: or, with a better phrasing, suggest to] other mothers. And I fully recognize that some mothers just aren't able to breastfeed for many different reasons, physical or otherwise (OK, Emily? :) . I still feel broken-hearted about some of my friends who weren't able to breast-feed, but I know that they tried and they just couldn't produce enough milk or had other problems that could not be overcome -- I tried to help many of them and I don't think they should made to feel guilty for not breastfeeding their children.
We have chosen "attachment parenting" as our philosophy, but I don't think parents who don't embrace it are "worse" parents! I don't work (only at home in the dissertation - or, for a while, I was a T.A. who worked a few hours out of the home), but I don't think that I am better than any working mothers out there! I most probably will work if I get a job after I finish the dissertation...
I think it's really depressing when mothers attack other mothers - it does nothing to further the cause of mothers, to bring about the necessary social and political changes that will help us be the mothers we want to be. Ideally, there should be support for all kinds of moms, SAHM, moms who work outside the home, single moms, teen moms, and other kinds of unconventional families.
Being a mother is not easy, but, at least for me, it's the best thing that ever happened in my life. I actually have a hard time looking at myself as anything else, particularly in these early years of my sons' lives. I remain a daughter, a wife, a scholar, and hopefully someday I'll be a professional, but a mother is what I most love to be, and the rest doesn't really matter that much. Nothing makes me feel more fulfilled, proud, and happy.
Dear fellow mama bloggers/ readers, how do you feel about being a mother?
P.S. And Juliet, yes, you're perfectly right. One of the reasons I stay up late, besides having always been a "night person" (ever since I was pretty young) is that it's my only "alone time." Even mothers need time for themselves, don't we? :)
That's what I thought (about the alone time). I'm enjoying my alone time right now, and I am exhausted. Unlike you, I am not a night person. I'm just a weirdo who stays up late, despite being tired. :-p
ReplyDeleteYou know, I have often thought to myself "I wish more of the mom's I know IRL were like the ones I know online." There is a lot of nastiness out there, and it really does cut me to the core sometimes. I have been verbally attacked for my "cooky new age ideas" on more than one occassion. Not fun at all.
I applaud your post! I am 200% and more behind you on this!!!! I am also saddened by the constant criticizing of each other when we mothers have so much in common and we should stick together. I don't know why this has to be, or why it should be so threatening that other mothers make different choices. Maybe that is because we all, on a certain level, feel insecure about what we do? How else would one explain the plethora of advice literature on parenting out there, advising us what is "right" ... most of this advice confuses me because it's so contradictory. Some really did help, but most didn't. In the end it all comes down to my own intuition and what I feel is right for me and my children.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let the other commenters know that I'm not "censoring" any negative comments - the comment I removed looked a lot like spam and had really nothing to do with the post. It might have been an amusing thing to leave here, but it was extremely long, and the gist of it was: "be a submissive housewife to please your husband and make him happy" - I guess Caitlin Flanagan would be thrilled, but I'm not.
ReplyDeleteThe comment was made by someone in California who found this post through a google blog search of the words "be a better person"... weird, huh?
Hi Lilian--I read both your previous posts with interest. I have little patience for the Mommy Wars, too--what a waste of potential solidarity!
ReplyDeleteWe attachment parent, too. My son Liam (now 6!) was a very difficult sleeper. We held him for his naps until he was 6 months old, and he co-slept with us until his sister came allong, when he was 3 1/2. Tessa, his sister, has not spent a single night in her crib and has slept very peacefully with us, nursing to sleep until she was 21 months old.
With Liam, I felt very "inadequate" and insecure about how poorly he slept. We still get criticism from others about co-sleeping. But I've learned with Tessa not to sweat the sleep issues. Liam grew out of sleeping with us at 3 1/2 and while it may seem like a long time to some, 3 1/2 years out of his life to be close to us and snuggle and sleep securely is such a small amount of time, in the scope of things!
Everyone parents differently--just as we are all not the same as individuals, either. But parenting, like politics, will always probably be (sadly) a hotbed of discussion, especially on the internet!
Thank you for your very thoughtful post. For the most part I am just mysitifed at all the attention the so-called "mommy wars" have been getting lately. Part of me thinks it is a distraction (engineered by who?) to get our minds off of other very real wars.
ReplyDeleteBut another part of me feels this has always been the case: That mothers (and grandmothers, and aunts, and sisters...) have always had opinions--sometimes negative--about what other mothers were and were not doing. I think in the past, though, the real options were narrow for how far any particular woman could stray from the prevalent mothering norms in such a way to provide fodder for the variety of disagreements we are seeing today.
And of course, now we have all sorts of ways to broadcast, talk about, and analyze such conversations that have much farther reach than the front stoop.
I have avoided blogging about this myself. I think it deserves a series of longer thoughtful posts (like you have done) and I just haven't had the time or energy to do the topic justice. Then another part of me thinks: Who wants to read another post about this?
But yet, here I am (as are others), taking up space in your comment thread talking about it! So a nerve must be hit somewhere...
Again, thanks. I'll have to pull my thoughts together soon.
Great post! Sleeping and feeding and working outside the home are such volatile issues that seem to bring people at each other's throats. I think at the root of a lot of disagreement is that people are very sensitive about their own parenting choices because they want so badly to do what is best for their children. And if someone has a different way, it must mean that their way is wrong? But we need to embrace many parenting styles and not feel so threatened by difference.
ReplyDeleteI also feel confident that I am the best mother for my child--not that I have all the answers but that I have what she needs. It is nice to read it articulated as you have done.
How funny, I've posted about mummy wars too!
ReplyDeleteI think that when I started blogging I thought that it would be easier to share experiences. I've been on message boards a long time but I've been surprised about how many mums use their experiences to browbeat other mums.
I think it is a shame. Such a lot can be shared and yet, so many are ostracised if they don't meet mainstream ideals or opinions.
I thought by sharing my breastfeeding experiences I might make someone who had been through something similar feel less alone. I thought I might learn from successful feeders. I wasn't prepared for other mums to tell me I was putting my baby at risk, I should have bourne out the pain and I should feel guilty, as I have plainly something to feel guilty about.
But, I've found other places where people manage to share information and ideals without hurting other people's feelings. And those are the places I find most helpful and educational.
Not everyone is going to agree about childrearing methods but I think it is valuable to listen to everyone else's point of view and take bits that might be of use. I think it is wrong to rip them apart just because you don't do it that way.
And that is why mummy wars are so depressing. We've had men putting us down for decades and we've fought for equal rights. Now it seems that unity has gone and we are fighting among each other.
It's a bit sad.
I'm really glad to read both your post on the 'mommy wars' and all of the comments so far. I have been thinking a lot about this issue (and recently wrote about it), and I do think this is something that we can change, eventually. I think we need to accept that judging other mothers (like judging other people) is inevitable, but what we do with that opinion/feeling is something under our control. The only way to protect our right and ability to parent our children in the way we choose is to respect and protect the right of others to do the same, even on controversial issues like breastfeeding, circumcising and vaccinating (to name but a few). Plus, I think we set a great example of tolerance for our children when we accept different parenting styles, and learn from and find support in others whose choices may be very different from our own.
ReplyDeleteIt is first time on your blog and I am delighted to read your wise words. I feel, like you, that I am making the right decisions for my son (which include choosing not to circumcise, co-sleeping, slowly introducing foods, breastfeeding beyond 12 months, and using an alternate vaccine schedule) However, I feel often insecure about sharing those decisions with others b/c I fear their judgement even though I don't believe I am critical of their choices. Open discussion combined with acceptance and support is good for moms everywhere. Thanks for your effort in this regard.
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