Rejection

I almost forgot to blog about this, but the rejection letter from that "accidental application" arrived two weeks ago. I didn't mind it at all, never even gave it a second thought. It just wasn't meant to be. My husband (who applied to a position in the same "smallish state university") hasn't heard anything yet, but we think it's also a "no."

I had another rejection this week, for a conference paper, this one disappointed me a little, even though I wasn't too hopeful. I did send another abstract to a different panel at the same conference and I'm hoping the second one won't be rejected, even though I know there are great chances it will -- it's just too competitive to get a presenting spot at the MLA, for those of you who know what I mean. My first MLA rejection was the saddest for me, even though I knew I had no chance at all...

Sometimes I do feel bitter (particularly about the very rarefied "niche" of Luso-Brazilian studies), and think that certain events, certain publications are just like a "private club" thing (that stem from all the requirements for tenure). I am extremely bitter about several things in academia, but lately I've been so enamored of "pure research," so excited about the writers I'm analyzing for the dissertation that I have this great feeling of "yes! this is what I want to do for the rest of my life." And I totatlly mean it. I love to do scholarship for its own sake, and I plan to always research, go to conferences, publish papers, it is what I love to do, and that's why perhaps academic life is the life for me. On the other hand... I have to be realistic and not even hope too much getting a job, and I'm serious. The tenure-track job my husband applied to last year? The rejection letter said there had been 250 applicants. And it was not even a top research school or anything! The prospects are just too... words fail me now, dim? daunting? slim?

Anyway, we're also applying for a small school in California that we have a personal interest in. That might happen, which would mean lots of changes in our lives and very soon (this summer/ fall). At this point, we're just looking at every single opportunity. As you may know, my husband is "competing" (yes, it's a competition, with a written test and everything) for two jobs in Brazilian universities. The first one is in April, so he'll have to go to Brazil for a week then (and we get to pay the expenses, [sigh!]).

So many things, so many possibilities, and who know what'll happen. One thing I know, though. For "acceptance" to take place there has to be rejection first. That's why I know we're on the right track, we're trying, taking the first steps, and they won't be in vain.