I've been constantly thinking about posting here for the past week, I have even an almost ready post that I typed a week ago (last Saturday morning), but it's been tough to run after two little boys all day long in the hot long days of Brazilian summer. There are so many things I want, and actually need to write and think about, but it's just not happening right now. So I'll try the itemized approach...
- I'm still here in Brazil, but more than any other time I've been back here, I want to go back "home" (to my house, since home here could also mean my home country, and I am in my home country).
- I'm getting frantic about getting to work and finishing this dissertation. I am hopeful this WILL be the year I'll finally put this behind me. It needs to happen, or else... or else what? Or else my parents won't be able to help me anymore (they're getting tired), or else I just won't be able to stand it anymore, or else my life will never ever start...
- I miss my husband, I miss my house, I miss... No, I don't really miss the US, I miss something I can't have - a life out of limbo, where we know for sure we're going to be living at a certain place for a long time, where we have real jobs. I want our future to start SOON, 'cause I'm tired of living a life of simply looking forward to something I don't even know what it is. It's been 10 years (or it will be, this coming June), and I think this is a bit too much.
- I want my sons to have friends, they need socialization and the joy of sharing their lives with other people they love. I want/need to have friends, if not the cherished old ones (I mean, we'll always have these wonderful friends who are here in Brazil, but if we don't live close to them, we won't share our lives with them), at least new friends that we can spend time with, get to know, and learn to love...
There are so many things I need, and even though I feel perfectly happy with my wonderful family (marvelous husband, gorgeous sons), there's no denying that my life has been incomplete for a long time now. The bad part is that it's not easy to solve these problems. Many things need to happen. I need to finish the dissertation, DH (dear husband) needs to find a job, we need to live in a "permanent place," and not just live "temporary lives," if you know what I mean.
I need to come back and elaborate more about these not so random points... maybe it'll be easier once I'm back home and the boys have their "honeymoon" period with their old toys :) What about that?
Some of this sounds very familiar to me, especially the restless "being in limbo" feeling. Don't I know that!!! It's awful!!! Usually I have that feeling just before a great change happens in my life (a move, a new job, whatever). But it seems like it's never going to happen .... So you just want to give life a big shove to help things along a bit... But with a bit of patience things are going to start happening soon. Definitely!! :)
ReplyDeleteSo this is your 100th post.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you for being tired of living a life in limbo. I've been there, done that. After college, I moved so many times for jobs, then I moved again with my husband for his job. I rented for 15+ years of my adult life!
I'm FINALLY settled in a home we own, in a city that we intend to stay and raise our child in. I'm growing roots and I love it!
Thanks for participating in my "Hooray for 100" link exchange. Please spread the word, I'd appreciate it! I'm trying to get at least 100 posts linked and I have a ways to go! :)