Happy New Fear

In this last day of January I want to explain why I didn’t even attempt to write any New Year resolutions.

I fear this New Year…

Because this year I need to finish my dissertation, and I’m terribly afraid I won’t be able to. It is a huge responsibility, not only to me, and my desire to finish what I have started almost 8 years ago, but also to my parents who have spent so much time and resources to help me. My mom has postponed a serious thyroid surgery to be able to help me one last semester, and I just can’t fail her and my dad who so graciously take care of my boys, my house, and do everything for us.

I fear this New Year…

Because I have never felt such a weight on my shoulders or faced such a challenge that seems well beyond my abilities to conquer. Spending almost two months in Brazil didn’t help much, because now I’ve lost precious momentum, and it’s much harder to start working again.

I fear this New Year…

Because I know my limitations, I know I am a terrible procrastinator, I am disorganized, and I can’t work in a systematic manner. I’ve never been able to plan anything, even though I did write a timetable for the months of October and November and abided by it (let me say that it worked only because I cut myself a lot of slack stipulating that I’d send to the advisor whatever I had written for a certain chapter by the Friday it was assigned).

I fear this New Year…

Because just thinking about the work ahead gives me the chills, swarms of butterflies in my stomach, and an irresistible desire to just sit and cry. I want to run away, to flee, to give up, and every single “escaping” verb there is. I’ve never felt so powerless about something when I know I need to be in control because only I can do it, only I can write it.

I fear this New Year

For a myriad of reasons related to this dissertation (including fear of my committee members, of getting negative feedback, etc.), and to add up to these fears is the underlying fear of not knowing what will happen to us in the near future. If my husband “passes” the fierce competition (concurso) for a job at a state university in Brazil, we’ll definitely go back; he’s also just applied for a job in California. Chances are none of these things will materialize and we’ll remain here one more year for his last year of post doc, and entrance in the job market in the fall. I’d prefer the last option only for the predictability, but who know what’ll happen? (On a side note, the phone interview I mentioned in a past post will probably not happen – I missed my chance because I was not at the MLA).

I fear this New Year…

Because, as for any other year, I want it to be a good year, and particularly, a landmark year for me, the year in which I defend my dissertation and prove to myself and the world that I can do it, that I was able to do it. Oh, how I long to be able to say that. In the past tense! And then I’ll just smile and say, oh, yeah, I feared this New Year, but it turned out all right…