Sometimes I feel that blogging is almost useless to me, since so few people read this, most of them merely lurkers, as far as I can tell from my sparse stats checking. I'm writing this right now, but it's not how I feel at this exact moment. You know when I feel that keeping the blog is worth it? After I spend sometime reading other people's blogs. Of course reading "famous" and prolific bloggers like Jo(e), for example, easily motivate some "blog envy" (in a matter of a couple months, her visitors went from 50,000 to almost 95,000, while I've had 2,000 visits in one whole year -- of course in one year I've posted less than 100 times and my writing is not brilliant at all, so I need to keep things in perspective :)
I always learn so much, though. First, about writing itself, because there are so many talented writers out there! Then, about feelings, truths, and experiences that make me grow as a human being. I like to go out of my "niche" (the wonderful expat mamas and multicultural families out there - hi everyone, I feel I "belong" to this group and love to read your blogs!!) and learn from other people's experiences, so I read a few infertility blogs, some adoption blogs, and birthmother blogs -- those are some of the saddest and deepest. There's a new one that I need to link to, because this woman writes so beautifully that I can't even begin to describe it. It's inspiring, even while it's utterly heartbreaking: Speaking For Myself. I found her at Dawn's blog -- I always learn tons from Dawn, who's an amazing person, so incredibly open, the most "experienced" blogger I know (since 2001!).
Anyway, I didn't come here to write about these women, even though it is important to keep linking to them because they are references, they should be read, all 3 of them and many more. Something that "Speaking For Myself" said a few times in different wordings stuck to me (and I'm paraphrasing here) -- it is very important when a woman tells her story, it can change the world ("split it open" I think). I think writing/reading can also change ourselves, because we learn so much when we express ourselves and when we read other women's experiences.
What do I have to contribute? I guess I have summarized it well in my blog description. I am a "divided" person, I am torn between my academic life, which by no means is the center/core of my life, which makes it extremely difficult for me to just go ahead and finish this PhD and my family life, my desire to be able to pursue things that I love, like children's literature, like trying to write someday, my home country and the friends here and the country where I now find myself in (even my two main languages, English and Portuguese - my sons only speak one of them so far...). So many things... Being the mother of two young children, loving it, enjoying every moment, every time I breasfeed, every time I play with them, but being torn because I desperately need time for myself, to try to find out who I am, and still HAVE to work on a dissertation, which is a task so difficult I feel overwhelmed just to think about it, let alone work on it...
Juggling all this is not easy. And that's why I think I need the blog. Even if nobody reads (I mean, I know some wonderful people who do and always give me lots of encouragement - Alice, you're great! Stella's mami, I know you're there too, and some other great people like Kate, Sandra, Ana, Marco, etc - this is not meant to be an exhaustive list of readers OK, folks?), even if my writing is not the best there is or even merely good... I need to express myself and share my story and that's all that matters. Even if it's extremely hard to find the time for it (this is one of the main reasons for my "crisis" -- is it worth it, I ask myself, to take time from my sleeping when I know my kids will get up before 7am just to blog? I think it is... because it helps me). Reading blogs also makes me learn a lot about writing, and hopefully that will show here in the future!
Anyway, I won't give up, at least not for now. There's so much I want to write about this visit to Brasil, there are fears I want to voice about the upcoming year, but this will have to wait, because I do need to get some rest.
As I was typing this last paragraph, I felt something was wrong and heard screaming from downstairs. I had not plugged the baby monitor, and my son needed to pee and woke up screaming, which, in turn woke up his baby brother. Luckily the situation was quickly resolved, but it's a very up to the minute example of what happens when mothers try to blog :)
I enjoy reading other people's discussions about why they blog. I started blogging out of loneliness, and to be part of a conversation. My reader stats are low, too, but that's fine with me. In real life, I prefer a conversation with a small group of people, and would not like to stand in front of a large crowd and talk, so a blog with a low readership is comfortable for me. One time, someone linked to my blog and I got a spike in readers, so I stopped blogging for a few days and they all went away. Hee hee. I got stage fright.
ReplyDeleteAlso, sometimes I do a Google blog search for topics I'm interested in, and when I turn up my own blog, I get a yucky, scared feeling. I think I'm too private to be totally comfortable blogging publicly.
I do love reading blogs by people who are really out there, open, un-selfconscious, not afraid of making fools of themselves, but I could never write that freely.
there are so many reasons to blog. i have been failing miserably of late, but there are just other things going on that i have to attend to in my life, like studying for a german test! i have found tho, that many many bloggers who have high stats are also very involved in reading other's blogs as well and leaving comments daily. people like, mausi, i don't know how she does it... also my friend elise is an amazing correspondance queen with her blog list, esp. my suggestion is this, keep writing, and everything else will come in its due time. Like Sandra, i would rather have a few readers than too many...i also ocsillate on my feelings about sharing too much as many people have found my blog that i know and i really had just wanted it for a mami connection ya know? I really like reading about what's going on in your life and multi-cult. family, experience in US etc...so I will always be here...hehehe
ReplyDeleteFunny you should write about this topic. Alice (Jabberlingual told me to check out your blog after I mentioned that I want to make new blogging buddies.
ReplyDeleteI am a mother as well, and I really enjoy reading about the experiences of other moms.
I hope to hear back from you. If I do, I will become a faithful reader, and rarely lurk. :-)
I go through these crises too! Then I need to remind myself why I really blog in the first place - I really do it just for myself in order to keep exercising my writing muscles and to make sure my English won't deteriorate altogether. Then for all my family and friends abroad so they know what's up with us.
ReplyDeleteHonestly: I totally dislike this whole popularity contest that seems to be going on in the blogosphere. I don't care for many so-called "star bloggers" at all. I don't even have a stats count so I don't know how many people visit my site every day. It's ok if no one reads.
But I do check in every day to check what you have to say!! You write great stuff, and I enjoy your writing style! :)
I go through periods of feeling like I'm blogging into the void. I always come back to my original motivation for blogging, it's for
ReplyDelete*me*, not for other people. I do it because I like to do it and I learn so much from it, about myself and about other people.
In some ways having an actual readership has made it harder, I'm always wondering who I'm going to piss off. I think of my audience too much when I write, I get too careful, and I stop writing.
I enjoy reading your blog! Keep writing. I have those questions, too, about why do it, there are other things I should be doing (like writing something that could get published and help my academic career), but blogging seems like an at-worst benign distraction and at best something that is grounding and keeps one writing and forming connections of various sorts. So those are my two cents.
ReplyDeleteI think it's neat to read other people's perspectives and daily struggles etc, and I don't really care too much about my numbers-- I rarely check my stats. I'm glad you're going to keep blogging- I'd miss your voice!
ReplyDeleteI've been having a blogging crisis myself: the pressure of new readers; the unspoken popularity contest; the wondering if it is worth the time; the do-I-force-myself-to-post-everyday crisis; the why-did-I-start-doing-this-anyway crisis.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you shared this. I've been mulling over a post about blogging, but was too scared to admit my vulnerabilities and my true feelings.
I try to do what Kateri suggested: remind myself that I blog for me and that readers are just a bonus.