Expatriates, 9 years and counting

June 20 came and went, and this year I didn't even remember it was the "anniversary" of our arrival in the States in 1996. One of the reasons is that we no longer live in Massachusetts, the place we went to in the first place and lived in for 8 years. There, whenever June came around, we usually reminisced about our arrival, and looked back to the years since then, also wondering about what we'd do in the future.

Nine years is a long time, it's almost as long as we've been married (it'll be 11 years in December), almost a decade! We still feel connected to Brazil, especially to the friends we left there, they are still the best friends we have. We visit every year or two, family members come to visit often, we speak only Portuguese at home, but the deep, visceral saudade ("homesickness", longing, yearning, etc - this word is basically untranslatable) that we used to feel all the time now is almost gone. It only comes back once in a (long) while, like for example in the rare visits from close friends, when we realize how much we are missing in terms of wonderfully close, meaningful and enriching human interaction. That's what we're missing here. In these nine years we had few moments of real "fulfillment" in terms of friendships and interacting with people who are "kindred spirits."

Otherwise, our lives have been wonderful. We had many opportunities that we'd never have in Brazil (mostly for lack of money), like spending a month studying French in France (just me, in 1999), backpacking in Europe for a month (2000), visiting London for a week (2001), apart from the opportunity of getting a Ph.D. in a large university, and just living in the U.S., getting to learn and internalize its culture. Dreams come true, no doubt, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel our lives are pretty "empty", because of the lack in friendships.

And about the future? It's still up in the air. Right now we feel strongly that it would be great to go back to Brazil, but my husband would have to get a job in a public university, preferably in Sao Paulo state, and that's not very easy. On the other hand, it would be more "practical" to go back only after we had permanent residency, so we could come back easily, not having the hassle of Visas, etc. This would take at least 5 years or more to happen. How would it be to go back to live in Brazil after 13-15 years abroad? I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but there at least we have family and friends, our "roots" -- we certainly have no kind of roots here, but that's the kind of choice immigrants have to make, right? Whoa, I used this word, immigrant, but I've never seen myself as one. I always felt it was only temporary, "We're just foreign students, we have to go back, we don't really want to stay here." I don't know if I feel the same way, even though I still have difficulty to see myself as an immigrant, and, technically, I'm not one either.

Technicalities aside, I guess I can say I would have no problem staying here. It's the "easy" way out, since in Brazil life is harder (less money, access to culture and arts, much more violence, insecurity), but when I think of our children, not growing up with the kinds of friendships we have in Brazil, when I think of ourselves, not having those friends around, I see a dreary future ahead. Not to mention our families -- what to do when our parents get really old and need our care?

I know, I know, there's nothing I can do about it right now, but those are the kinds of thoughts I entertain every single day of my life as an expatriate, and I imagine most people in my situation do too. The fact that I am a mother also puts a different spin on all these musings. Where do I want my sons to grow up? Do I want to provide them with the same kind of opportunities/experiences I had when growing up? How are they going to fell with respect to both countries and the choice I (we) make for them?

There are many, many more questions, and they linger in my mind whenever I think about our decisions, past and future ones. Back in 1996 we didn't really see them coming, all these questions and doubts, but they're all part of the process, after all, we chose to come here, and now we have to deal with it!
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Well, just before I forget, I'm not the only one looking back into the past and thinking about how life has been, Sophie has written an interesting entry about her experience as an expatriate, now back in her country.