So I've been in Brasil (in this post I insist in using the Portuguese spelling for my country, as perhaps I should always do) for many weeks now. And I've felt at home. Let me explain, I SHOULD always feel at home in my home country, but the last time I came (Dec 03- Jan 04) that was not so clearly the case, I felt almost the opposite.
Let me backtrack a bit. I have lived in the U.S. for almost 9 years. We never intended to stay that long. In the first few years, I would arrogantly answer to any Brazilian acquaintances or friends that asked whether I like living in the States that no, I didn't like the U.S., that I loved Brazil, and would definitely go back. That was in part a reaction to the prevalent attitude of Brazilians: they are genrerally fascinated by the U.S., they all want to come live in the U.S. and when they do come, they criticize Brazil a lot. I've always hated that, and I wanted to shock everyone by going the other way. And love Brazil I did, with all my heart. Year in year out I tried to keep the flame alive, listening to Brazilian music, coming to Brazil every year or so...
But slowly but surely, life in the U.S. started to seep into our lives, and we got used to it. The language had never been a problem to me, and my husband's English got better and better. We would sometimes have loooooong conversations in English, and mix both languages constantly.
(see - I wrote Brazil with a z -- I said I wouldn't but I did)
But everytime I came to Brasil, my heart would warm up. The very first time we came back, 1 year and a half after we had left, I cried and cried as the plane flew over São Paulo and landed.
I saw my friends (yes, I never had the same kind of friends in the U.S. and I missed them terribly), family, ate the food, saw the green -- everything is so GREEN here, especially when we travel in the winter -- and felt I would readily come back. Except that last year I didn't feel that way. It seemed that something precious had broken, that I no longer felt completely at home here, but felt at home in the U.S.
I was curious to find out how I would react this time... and I feel I could come back all right. But I'll never be the same. I've spent way too much time abroad. Happily, I do feel comfortable in the U.S., but I still don't have those friends... they're here, and they all have children now, and I'm missing all the conversations we could have had about our children, and seeing them play and grow together.
I feel divided again, as I hadn't felt for a while. But I think I will never be whole. Oh yeah, that's pretty much a certainty, I'm divided... torn between two countries.
Will my boys be divided like that too? Is it cruel to have my 3 year old be monolingual (he speaks only Portuguese so far...) and living in the U.S.?
I don't know, I wish I did...
Hi. Coming to you from Bringing Ben and Birdy's comments. I, too, love Catherine Newman. I started a blog because of her.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how hard it is to be between two countries. I lived in Europe for several years and felt divided.
If you want to meet other bloggers, I suggest going to a great website by Michele Agnew. Visit me at my site first and then look at my blogroll. Every weekend she has a Meet and Greet where people visit each other's blogs. Most of the people that participate are really interesting.
Anyway, I'll be back.
Hi--Well, it looks like someone else (raehan) got pulled in by the siren-song of the Ben&Birdy connection. I am rather ignorant of the whole blogging culture, but I can see how it is a great thing for mothers (given our rather isolated lives sometimes).
ReplyDeleteI lived overseas, too--as an American living in Hungary for 1 year. I'm trying to convince my good Hungarian friend to come over to the US for a year, but I sometimes wonder if I'm doing her a big disservice. It's hard living in another country--esp. with kids.
I'm so glad we did it, and I feel like I grew immeasurably b/c of it. If you can survive it, I think it's one of the most eye-opening experiences a person can have.
I want to read more about this Brasilian mama, and find out about how she coped as a new-comer to this country. I've come to realize more since I went away what a bizarre thing it is to be an American (or even to live here). So, please, keep writing. I'll be sure to check in.
Janet
Hello, I am also coming to your blog via BUB&B. It seems so amazing that there are so many other women out there, going through the same journey (raising these wonderful kids.) It really helps with the isolation that comes with being a stay-at-home mom (I gave up my career as an alcohol/drug/criminality counselor once I found out I was pregnant with our suprise baby-#2 in a year)
ReplyDeleteAnyhow-I really enjoyed your writing and could really relate to the tandem nursing/weaning. I tandem nursed my 2 little ones until the older was 30 months and his sister was almost 1. Weaning him was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I am dreading doing it again with her. So good luck with your little ones.
Take care