Right now what hurts the most is a simple, straightforward truth that I will never ever be able to shake up from my mind. The fact that all that ever stood between us keeping this house and NOT was me getting a job and the painful truth that (for many reasons) I NEVER went after such job. I didn't really send applications, I didn't try (especially in the past few weeks after the house went on the market and it was "too late" anyway in my reasoning). Obviously I suck big time and I know it, I talk about this all the time, how useless I am in this respect (and please, I KNOW I'm not entirely useless, that I have two sons to care for which I do well, that I'm already working part time at the school, yada, yada, yada, but I REALLY don't send out the applications that I should be sending and THAT is entirely my fault, please, I beg you not to tell me it's not).
Anyway... In days like today I'm just crying pretty much the time (like in the car driving around with the kids, trying to cook in the kitchen, listening to music, looking at the flowers, etc), I can't even bear to look out the window to the sun setting and my sons riding their bikes on the street with their dad. They've been doing that a lot lately, especially my youngest (he spent ALL DAY last Friday riding up and down the driveway, so much that he got a little sunburned), and it just about breaks my heart into a million pieces when I think about them not having that anymore. The space to play outside, the looong driveway, the calm street. It seems that the closer we get to actually selling the house the more they get excited about playing outside (something that my oldest is not too keen of most days).
There are some VERY good reasons to move -- apart from the obvious money thing, it's just too long of a commute for K to be able to spend some decent amount of time with the boys on a daily basis. BUT, ultimately we're doing it because I DIDN'T DELIVER, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I basically purposefully didn't get the job at the online university because I truly hated it. Why couldn't I just have sucked it up instead of simply sucking? The house will sell, things will get better, but forgiving myself for this will be impossible, I think. K also has to forgive himself for his own decisions (I promise I will try to get to that post, but it's the one that just makes me too emotional), but I personally think that his decision was right (and he's aware of that, that's why he can ultimately be at peace) and he's pretty happy with work right now, which is great.
But I, I should be doing something and I'm not.
OK, I've got guests... I gotta go.
5 comments:
as hard as this is today... this too shall pass. All things will work together for the good... Peace to you my friend, peace not from houses or backyards that other people will live in, but peace in the assurance that you will one day plant a garden that no one will get the fruits of, build a house that no one will live on but you. And the kids, they have the most wonderful parents. They do not care where they play, but who they play with. Be sad, but let go, don't let sadness dry your bones. hugs and prayers...
Yipes. You sound depressed. You not finding an imaginary job is just one choice in a long line of choices that led to where you are right now. There is no way of knowing if you could have even found a job in this economy. Just like there was no way of knowing your husband wouldn't have ended up laid off if he didn't quit his other job.
Right now, you are stressed out and in the middle of a really sucky transition. Please try to be gentle with yourself. Things will get better.
Amber
AmFam
Smaller houses are better than soul-sucking jobs. Period. That online thing sounded like a dementor to me. You have different priorities. Of course you don't want a job like that one. Period. And that's ok. There are so many places all of us can look back and say, if only. If only I hadn't let Vanguard switch me to stocks from my money market before the crash. if only I had kept working we would have the house paid off by now. If only... Stop. You had the house for a time. Life has a funny way of making more sense retrospectively. Someday I bet you'll think about how painful this is and then think, Jeez, but if we hadn't moved, then (this wonderful thing you can't even imagine today) would never have happened. But for now, it's a matter of getting to that. Hang in there. I won't pretend it's an easy road. But it's spring everywhere you might live and your boys will love it equally wherever you land. Peace to you, my friend, in these challenging days.
Oh Lilian. We love you. Won't doing something, ANYTHING, at this point help you feel better? You obviously know what you need to do, and taking even small steps in that direction is bound to help turn things around and lift your spirits. Be proud and confident in what you have done, and what you can accomplish. You can still make choices that will positively effect your future, so focus on what is in your power, and move forward from there.
Lilian amiga...nem sei o que dizer, mas uma coisa é certa, depois da tormenta vem a calmaria, e sua calmaria vai chegar, aguenta firme!
Beijinho e Feliz Sabado,
Keiko
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