Last Thursday (4/20), I wrote:
You know, I do care a great deal about my dissertation topic, I do. I can still find myself in tears when I start looking at each of the chapters, thinking about what I want them to convey, what I want Brazilian literature to be in the world, how sad it is that Brazil is just a little nothing in the grand scheme of things of this world. These issues truly move me.
And yet I haven’t been doing any progress. It’s such a stupid “fear” that I have – the fear of killing my own passion for this topic. Working on it should only increase my motivation and passion for the dissertation, right? However, working will lead to feedback, and feedback ALWAYS brings me down. I HATE myself for it, though, I totally do. I mean, I want to enjoy this, but really – can dissertation work be truly enjoyable? I have my doubts about that. It’s not that it’s difficult, I enjoy difficult things…I can’t quite put my finger on it. It is and at the same time is not a kind of forced labor. I am “forced” to do it, to finish because I have come thus far, but I am the one choosing the topic, choosing what I research about, choosing the issues to discuss in each chapter.
(It must be infinitely harder for those who don’t really get to choose a topic, like it happens in the sciences – or maybe it is infinitely easier, right!! Don’t I always say so about my husband and the way he got to schedule a defense date regardless of whether he had fully finished the experiment or not?).
This (the power to choose) is really cool – but it has a downside – since I chose this topic, I and only I am supposed to be the specialist, to know what I’m talking about, etc. - and that’s downright scary!! As I struggle to find my own voice and to be able to defend it – see? That’s why we have to defend this thing, right? – to find the right arguments to “prove” that I’m not talking nonsense is quite scary. It is one thing to “own” one’s topic as Articulate Dad helpfully commented to my last Dissertation Update post, and another one altogether different to think independently, to know where I want to go and what is the contribution of my work. The fine line between contextualizing my work in the light of what other people have already written and in a sense “repeating,” reviewing what they say, and moving on to my own point. I have a hard time doing that. Maybe everyone does.
I guess I’m making progress here, if not in the number of pages at least in my awareness of the dissertation as a whole.
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Then, on Saturday night (4/22), I wrote:I’ve been going back and forth – between depressed [like here and here] and OK [like above], now I’m getting antsy because my advisor hasn’t emailed me for 2 full weeks!!! He didn’t reply to my last 3 emails, which I think it’s completely unacceptable. [OK, he finally emailed me yesterday - 4/26 saying he's directing 4 M.A. thesis, is in the committee of 3 Ph.D. dissertations and is teaching classes - oh, well. At least I'm not anxious about this anymore].
What else – I have been in the middle of a “full swing” communication jag with [the professor from Brazil], which is great, but there are so many things to edit and take care of. Revising is WORSE than anything else. – and I still have most of 3 full chapters to write, and those will need to be revised after I do get to write them. Very discouraging.
Anyway, I have to work now, but I wanted to check the last entry. I can’t believe that just 2 days ago I was again so “moved,” really in tears because of how meaningful my research is for me when today all I can feel is a very uneasy feeling of not really owning this thing… this humongous monster that is the dissertation. Oh boy, what can I do?
I’m suffering from full blown ABD- state induced mood swings.
2 comments:
Everything you're going through is familiar. I think in part it comes with the territory of independence. You're right that there is a great deal of freedom in choosing one's own topic, but that the flipside is you're left there all by yourself wondering if you've defined enough, or right, or whether there's really anything there to hang on to, whether the contribution is worthy or significant. That is our lives. But our uncertainty keeps us honest, keeps us questioning, challenging ourselves as well as others. For me, as long as there are those ups, I'll tolerate the downs. I hope you'll be coming back up soon.
"The fine line between contextualizing my work in the light of what other people have already written and in a sense “repeating,” reviewing what they say, and moving on to my own point. I have a hard time doing that. Maybe everyone does."
I can't tell you how often I hear that from my clients. It's an extremely common dilemma, not just for grad students but also for professors.
I love that you're researching Brazil -- I was there for 5 days in March and fell in love with it. I've never been anywhere quite like it!
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